It is one thing to poison the minds of our youth. It is another thing entirely, to broadcast your evil-doing to the entire school.
I was in my office today across the hall from the offending teacher whose Vietnam video was approaching decibels previously known only as "outside voices." It's not just the volume, but the words, such as would make me blush to type. (Including a string so profane that I thought about calling the principal.)
Hm, I wondered.
Do the parents of these children know that the kind of language we reprimand them for in the halls is the kind we are feeding to them as US History?
Prob'ly not. Just guessing.
Once again, my concern is not the well-being of the impressionable minds, merely the disturbance it causes me trying to do my work (like right now. Obviously this is work-related.)
All I'm saying is show a little @#*! respect, you #%^ piece of (*!#@.
Oh yeah, and congratulations to SARA and ADAM for finally getting engaged. Don't send your future children to school here.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Chronicles of Froogy McFrugalson
In order to defend myself properly and publicly, I've done a bit of research. Matt and I were debating the cost of vent versus air conditioning.
I refuse air conditioning to him regularly. Sometimes I do it to save money, sometimes just to make him mad--it is so effective.
Last night he put his window down and sent out his giant Gadget limbs to slow us down.
Two things waste gas: air conditioning AND windows all the way down. Another situation in which we are BOTH right (I hate these; I am competitive):
Meineke Car Car Center says, "Limit use of air conditioning. Air conditioning is a huge fuel waster. On cool mornings and evenings, do without. Keep in mind though, that driving with windows wide open creates enough drag to decrease gas mileage. Find a balance between the two."
Aha.
And now I will win a different argument: "Avoid long idles. Turn off the engine if you anticipate a lengthy wait. Instead of idling at a drive-up window, park the car and go in. Idling burns more gas than restarting the engine. Limit car warmups in winter." (These words are from the Environmental Protection Agency.)
I bring this up because it is also car-related. I rarely deal with automotive matters in this forum.
Matt always tells me that it's better just to leave the car running as he searches for his man-bag and his cell phone and his wallet and his miscellany.
Not so, dear friend, not so.
I refuse air conditioning to him regularly. Sometimes I do it to save money, sometimes just to make him mad--it is so effective.
Last night he put his window down and sent out his giant Gadget limbs to slow us down.
Two things waste gas: air conditioning AND windows all the way down. Another situation in which we are BOTH right (I hate these; I am competitive):
Meineke Car Car Center says, "Limit use of air conditioning. Air conditioning is a huge fuel waster. On cool mornings and evenings, do without. Keep in mind though, that driving with windows wide open creates enough drag to decrease gas mileage. Find a balance between the two."
Aha.
And now I will win a different argument: "Avoid long idles. Turn off the engine if you anticipate a lengthy wait. Instead of idling at a drive-up window, park the car and go in. Idling burns more gas than restarting the engine. Limit car warmups in winter." (These words are from the Environmental Protection Agency.)
I bring this up because it is also car-related. I rarely deal with automotive matters in this forum.
Matt always tells me that it's better just to leave the car running as he searches for his man-bag and his cell phone and his wallet and his miscellany.
Not so, dear friend, not so.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Pride of the Windy City
Me: Look, I put hot sauce on spaghetti! Best spaghetti ever.
Dad: Have you ever had a three-way?
Choke. Pause. Blink, blink.
Me: ....
Dad: That mean anything to you other than a sexual way?
Shake head. Blink.
Dad: This place in Chicago used to...they had...they made a...chili...
Me: ...Skyline chili?
Race downstairs to computer. Type, type.
Dad: Have you ever had a three-way?
Choke. Pause. Blink, blink.
Me: ....
Dad: That mean anything to you other than a sexual way?
Shake head. Blink.
Dad: This place in Chicago used to...they had...they made a...chili...
Me: ...Skyline chili?
Race downstairs to computer. Type, type.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Walk Jog Run Hobble
I went for a run three days ago. It was ambitious, seeing as how my health club attendance has degenerated into nothingness. Actual, purposeful non-attendance. Like this: take my money, you bastard people. I won't even go to your club!
(That just doesn't make sense, as I am one frugal beyotch.)
Anyway, I hadn't gotten my run on for a while.
It was, in truth, more of a jog.
A 15 minute jog.
I should point out that I am one of those people who look pained during exercise. One of those people that you sort of pray for as they truck along. "God, please don't let that person pass out before they get where they're going." I know this because I pray for people like me.
To compound embarassment:
Since then, I have hobbled around on both inclined and flat surfaces. Me= an old woman. And when I was really pissed at a student yesterday, I had to walk him to the office like nothing was wrong. Never let them see you sweat! Nooooo!!! I sweat all the time!
I hobbled so fast that at the end I should have stretched again. After our meeting, I had to punch my thigh in order to release the muscle, allowing me to stand. I pretended that the punch was out of frustration.
"How could you let me down like this?" I said, "I'm so frustrated." Thump. Whimper. Stand.
(That just doesn't make sense, as I am one frugal beyotch.)
Anyway, I hadn't gotten my run on for a while.
It was, in truth, more of a jog.
A 15 minute jog.
I should point out that I am one of those people who look pained during exercise. One of those people that you sort of pray for as they truck along. "God, please don't let that person pass out before they get where they're going." I know this because I pray for people like me.
To compound embarassment:
Since then, I have hobbled around on both inclined and flat surfaces. Me= an old woman. And when I was really pissed at a student yesterday, I had to walk him to the office like nothing was wrong. Never let them see you sweat! Nooooo!!! I sweat all the time!
I hobbled so fast that at the end I should have stretched again. After our meeting, I had to punch my thigh in order to release the muscle, allowing me to stand. I pretended that the punch was out of frustration.
"How could you let me down like this?" I said, "I'm so frustrated." Thump. Whimper. Stand.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Tom, you're scaring me. No, seriously. Stop it.
As excited as Tom Cruise is over Katie Holmes, I am excited to introduce to you:
MY NEW CABLE MODEM.
Thanks to my Poppa for making this entry possible. FROM HOME!
MY NEW CABLE MODEM.
Thanks to my Poppa for making this entry possible. FROM HOME!
An Honored Guest
Welcome, Monica!
I hope you made it ok.
Have some lemonade. Isn't it nice here?
Yeah. I like it.
So...take a look around. There are a couple of pieces on here about you, yes. But don't worry, I haven't posted yet about last night when you said that you don't wear NASCAR jumpsuits, although you did order one and never got it.
That's just between you and me and schooners of Miller Lite at Friday's.
Remember last night when Jay thrust himself in the path of a broken glass?
Yeah, that was funny.
Remember when you asked if you should start a blog and we all laughed?
Well, I need you to start a blog.
A couple of reasons, really. Firstly, once a week is just not often enough to hear your stories. Secondly, I've been writing about you for long enough that people deserve to get it right from the source. I realize of course that means I'll be taking fewer notes when we're together, but I'm willing to sacrifice my material for the good of the people. Plus, I'll just refer them to your site. Get it?
Ok, let's have some cake.
I hope you made it ok.
Have some lemonade. Isn't it nice here?
Yeah. I like it.
So...take a look around. There are a couple of pieces on here about you, yes. But don't worry, I haven't posted yet about last night when you said that you don't wear NASCAR jumpsuits, although you did order one and never got it.
That's just between you and me and schooners of Miller Lite at Friday's.
Remember last night when Jay thrust himself in the path of a broken glass?
Yeah, that was funny.
Remember when you asked if you should start a blog and we all laughed?
Well, I need you to start a blog.
A couple of reasons, really. Firstly, once a week is just not often enough to hear your stories. Secondly, I've been writing about you for long enough that people deserve to get it right from the source. I realize of course that means I'll be taking fewer notes when we're together, but I'm willing to sacrifice my material for the good of the people. Plus, I'll just refer them to your site. Get it?
Ok, let's have some cake.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Case of Mistaken Identity
From a series of emails to and fro Matt this weekend.
AWKWARD.
-----Original Message-----
Hey Matt!
Thanks again for driving us around last night. We had a lot of fun and you are quite a hoot! You are a good sport...I hope we did not get you into trouble! I saw your photography and I think it is great. I LOVE the tree at St. John's...that is my favorite so far. You will be very successful at whatever you choose to do, I know it! Have a great rest of the weekend...and no more spanking! :)
Hugs,
Cherie
------Matt's Message------
I'm really sorry if I am making a mistake or have totally forgot something, but I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. I don’t think you have the right person J Last night I was with a group of my friends from college, and I don’t remember any spanking.
This is all pretty funny actually. Who were you trying to reach?
Matt
-----Original Message-----
LOL!!! OH MY GOD!...I'm so sorry!! There is a photographer in Dallas (Matt Blum!) who moonlights as a driver for the Hotel ZaZa and my girlfriends and I used him last night because we stayed there for a girls night out!! He slapped one of us on the ass to get out of the car and we all thought it was a hoot. He is actually a great guy...I was just ribbing him. Please accept my most sincere apologies (even though I am laughing my own ass off). I OBVIOUSLY went to the wrong website! I hope I did not offend you! By the way...I did love the tree photo!! Keep up the good work?
Warmest (and embarrassed!) Regards,
Cherie :)
AWKWARD.
-----Original Message-----
Hey Matt!
Thanks again for driving us around last night. We had a lot of fun and you are quite a hoot! You are a good sport...I hope we did not get you into trouble! I saw your photography and I think it is great. I LOVE the tree at St. John's...that is my favorite so far. You will be very successful at whatever you choose to do, I know it! Have a great rest of the weekend...and no more spanking! :)
Hugs,
Cherie
------Matt's Message------
I'm really sorry if I am making a mistake or have totally forgot something, but I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about. I don’t think you have the right person J Last night I was with a group of my friends from college, and I don’t remember any spanking.
This is all pretty funny actually. Who were you trying to reach?
Matt
-----Original Message-----
LOL!!! OH MY GOD!...I'm so sorry!! There is a photographer in Dallas (Matt Blum!) who moonlights as a driver for the Hotel ZaZa and my girlfriends and I used him last night because we stayed there for a girls night out!! He slapped one of us on the ass to get out of the car and we all thought it was a hoot. He is actually a great guy...I was just ribbing him. Please accept my most sincere apologies (even though I am laughing my own ass off). I OBVIOUSLY went to the wrong website! I hope I did not offend you! By the way...I did love the tree photo!! Keep up the good work?
Warmest (and embarrassed!) Regards,
Cherie :)
Friday, May 20, 2005
At Bat
Kicking so much ass!
Team Chalk rocks again.
I love playing on a team that wins. I love playing on a team that doesn't make fun of me (anymore) for my batting stance. I love when the left-handed hitters STILL don't send the ball flying toward me in far right field.
It reminds me of one of my favorite roles in college. In one of Steve Martin's brilliant pieces, I got to play this woman who enters a bar frantically searching for someone. She exits shortly thereafter; still frantic, still searching.
Here is the point: I had all of the fun and none of the pressure.
You know what else it's like? Babysitting.
Babysitters hang out and play. Then the baby pukes and poops and cries. Finally, when you can't take it any longer, the mom and dad come home, releasing you from the prison that is childcare and left field and and lead roles.
Team Chalk rocks again.
I love playing on a team that wins. I love playing on a team that doesn't make fun of me (anymore) for my batting stance. I love when the left-handed hitters STILL don't send the ball flying toward me in far right field.
It reminds me of one of my favorite roles in college. In one of Steve Martin's brilliant pieces, I got to play this woman who enters a bar frantically searching for someone. She exits shortly thereafter; still frantic, still searching.
Here is the point: I had all of the fun and none of the pressure.
You know what else it's like? Babysitting.
Babysitters hang out and play. Then the baby pukes and poops and cries. Finally, when you can't take it any longer, the mom and dad come home, releasing you from the prison that is childcare and left field and and lead roles.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Deflecting
Why is it still raining, God? -Me
Wehh...Uh...I, um...Monica stuck something up her butt! -God
Ok. That quote may be not entirely accurate. I could have misread the signs, but PROBABLY NOT.
Wehh...Uh...I, um...Monica stuck something up her butt! -God
Ok. That quote may be not entirely accurate. I could have misread the signs, but PROBABLY NOT.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monica in another starring role. Or, A "Suppos' It" 'tory
As she ages, Monica continues to test her body in time trials. What does 24 beers in 12 hours do do her that it NEVER used to? We sat around the table as she spun us a tale of such horror. Do I dare repeat it herein?!
"There were drinks and drinks and drinks" and then there was puke. So much vomit expelled that she had "nothing, nothing, nothing" left to give. Until.
My God, until, she had to decide either to face the $2000 deductible or die: "It was either $2000 or stick something up my butt." This is the kind of situation that befalls the improperly insured. IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME.
Thankfully, blessedly, her father (the dentist), was able to prescribe the cheaper solution. That is to say, cheap in dollars--costly in emotional trauma.
Now, Dear Reader, we ask you to thoughtfully examine our query: would you rather pay $2000, or insert your own suppository?
"The prescription was for 6 of them, but I only needed one. So if anyone ever has that problem..." -Monica
"There were drinks and drinks and drinks" and then there was puke. So much vomit expelled that she had "nothing, nothing, nothing" left to give. Until.
My God, until, she had to decide either to face the $2000 deductible or die: "It was either $2000 or stick something up my butt." This is the kind of situation that befalls the improperly insured. IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME.
Thankfully, blessedly, her father (the dentist), was able to prescribe the cheaper solution. That is to say, cheap in dollars--costly in emotional trauma.
Now, Dear Reader, we ask you to thoughtfully examine our query: would you rather pay $2000, or insert your own suppository?
"The prescription was for 6 of them, but I only needed one. So if anyone ever has that problem..." -Monica
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