The golden birthday was a total success. Except for the fact that I made a preemptive strike on the pressure of birthday dinner and chose Wendy's instead. Roommate Nicki has counseled me out of all future social functions.
But yesterday was lovely. Best parking spots all day long. My students indiscreetly gathered around to sing to me in an atonal masse. They stopped what they were doing, which is a nice touch. I think one of them even looked up from text messaging.
Sorry, I'm tearing up.
Matt and I are off to NYC for the weekend, where I can try out my social anxiety on a larger population.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
No mini-quiches were harmed during the making of this blog.
Q: Is there anything more awkward than a wedding shower?
A: No. (Exception: A wedding shower in which the groom's mother asks what will happen on the honeymoon.)
In related news, my sister's heart stopped beating for a brief moment around 5:00 pm yesterday. All of the blood rushed to her cheeks and didn't remember how to get back down to the right atrium.
Q: Why do I sometimes use words like "lovely" in the company of strangers?
A: You are being inhabited by the 80 year-old version of yourself. Her vocabulary is limited. (At age 79.5, your physician is contractually obligated to activate the Old Lady Word Switch. You might also begin to say "dear" and "hips" more often. Other side effects include an aversion to garlic and requests for coffee at 4 pm.)
Q: How do you win an Oscar?
A: Uglify yourself. But you still have to be a knockout when the eyebrow pencil comes off.
A: No. (Exception: A wedding shower in which the groom's mother asks what will happen on the honeymoon.)
In related news, my sister's heart stopped beating for a brief moment around 5:00 pm yesterday. All of the blood rushed to her cheeks and didn't remember how to get back down to the right atrium.
Q: Why do I sometimes use words like "lovely" in the company of strangers?
A: You are being inhabited by the 80 year-old version of yourself. Her vocabulary is limited. (At age 79.5, your physician is contractually obligated to activate the Old Lady Word Switch. You might also begin to say "dear" and "hips" more often. Other side effects include an aversion to garlic and requests for coffee at 4 pm.)
Q: How do you win an Oscar?
A: Uglify yourself. But you still have to be a knockout when the eyebrow pencil comes off.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Valentine's Day: February's New Year's Eve
An hour after four procrastinators get together to eat dinner on the Romantic Holiday of Obligation and find that all female-fearing boyfriends called ahead, we end up at Psycho Suzi's where (surprise!) they have tables available.
Matt orders a ceramic panda full of booze and our conversation gets railroaded by acquaintances at neighboring tables. What are the odds?
Pretty good. We know a lot of lazy people.
Eventually we return to ourselves and soon we're fighting about whether he was addicted to Percocet and whether I work for the enemy. I make it uncomfortable enough for Brent and Maggie to stop eating. Somewhere around the words "Exaggeration Station," I believe.
We leave in cranky silence. My head is pounding. What did I even say? What did he say? Damn this fight amnesia! Wait, did he just call me ridiculous?!
Yell! Yell! Loudness!
The expectations are too high. I have to look nice AND be agreeable?! No. I cannot. Who can withstand the pressure?!!!!
At the end of the night, on the phone, I tell him I hate him. And he knows it's love.
Matt orders a ceramic panda full of booze and our conversation gets railroaded by acquaintances at neighboring tables. What are the odds?
Pretty good. We know a lot of lazy people.
Eventually we return to ourselves and soon we're fighting about whether he was addicted to Percocet and whether I work for the enemy. I make it uncomfortable enough for Brent and Maggie to stop eating. Somewhere around the words "Exaggeration Station," I believe.
We leave in cranky silence. My head is pounding. What did I even say? What did he say? Damn this fight amnesia! Wait, did he just call me ridiculous?!
Yell! Yell! Loudness!
The expectations are too high. I have to look nice AND be agreeable?! No. I cannot. Who can withstand the pressure?!!!!
At the end of the night, on the phone, I tell him I hate him. And he knows it's love.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentines Aplenty: The Jailbait Edition
Nothing helps me celebrate this holiday like a bunch of propositions.
Student #1: Hey, Short Legs.
Me: Hey, Owen.
S1: What you doin' tonight?
Me: Who can say? Probably dinner with my boyfriend.
S1: I'll take you out.
Me: Aw, thanks, but you should probably just get your homework done.
Hours later, addressing the changing economy and rising oil prices:
Student #2: Your husband ain't taking you out?
Me: Boyfriend. And I'm not sure what we're doing yet.
S2: Ooh. I would take you out to a movie and Benihana....
Me: Benihana?! Wow. Do you have plans with someone?
S2: Nah.
Me: You should do something nice for your mom. A little chocolate.
S2: I'll give her gas.
Me: Ah. Well. That's what every woman really wants.
Student #1: Hey, Short Legs.
Me: Hey, Owen.
S1: What you doin' tonight?
Me: Who can say? Probably dinner with my boyfriend.
S1: I'll take you out.
Me: Aw, thanks, but you should probably just get your homework done.
Hours later, addressing the changing economy and rising oil prices:
Student #2: Your husband ain't taking you out?
Me: Boyfriend. And I'm not sure what we're doing yet.
S2: Ooh. I would take you out to a movie and Benihana....
Me: Benihana?! Wow. Do you have plans with someone?
S2: Nah.
Me: You should do something nice for your mom. A little chocolate.
S2: I'll give her gas.
Me: Ah. Well. That's what every woman really wants.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Or Maybe I Won't
File this one under "Conversations at Work that Probably Reveal Too Much About Your Weekend Habits, When I Was Just Asking for Some General Information, Maybe a Story About Your Family Or, Even Your Hopes and Dreams":
He: What's up? What's going on? Kids wearing you out?
Me: Oh, I'm ready for the weekend. I'm always surprised at the drama that can happen in the space of three days.
He: Yeah.
Me: Anything new with you?
He: I just can't wait for the weekend: to get drunk and sleep.
Me: [Polite laughter]
He: Kind of a light-weight, though. It only takes me three beers.
Me: [More polite laughter, slightly turning around in my chair to the recycling bin under my desk.]
He: Yeah, I used to be able to drink more, but not now.
Me: ...
Me: ...Well, see you tomorrow.
He: What's up? What's going on? Kids wearing you out?
Me: Oh, I'm ready for the weekend. I'm always surprised at the drama that can happen in the space of three days.
He: Yeah.
Me: Anything new with you?
He: I just can't wait for the weekend: to get drunk and sleep.
Me: [Polite laughter]
He: Kind of a light-weight, though. It only takes me three beers.
Me: [More polite laughter, slightly turning around in my chair to the recycling bin under my desk.]
He: Yeah, I used to be able to drink more, but not now.
Me: ...
Me: ...Well, see you tomorrow.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Tough Love
"This job has taught you a lot about parenting."
Um. Great. I...can't...wait?
In the after-school special that is my life working with "high risk" students, I scored a moral victory last week.
Leading up to this major performance we determined that it was time to set some academic goals: If you want to become a team, you will have to play by state high school league standards. Our standards for ourselves include no failing grades. No Fs. Well, you've got three. You can't dance with the rest of the group at the pepfest on Friday. I'm sorry.
Cut to final rehearsal in cafeteria. "We don't dance unless he dances with us. He's our captain."
That's your choice. But I've put as much of myself into this as you. If you want to throw it away...
And, separately: Do not run out on stage. If you do, you will lose every opportunity for the rest of the year and the beginning of the next.
We left it unresolved on Thursday--Who would dance? Who would protest?
When Friday morning arrived, they crouched waiting to go on stage. I took him aside:
I know it's hard for you. Nobody wants to be the example. I just wanted to let you know that I think you're making the mature choice here. Thank you for coming to support your group.
They killed it, of course. They didn't need him out there. They just needed to know that he would be in the audience, cheering them on. He was. I was.
Boundaries. Limits. Parenting.
Gray hair.
Um. Great. I...can't...wait?
In the after-school special that is my life working with "high risk" students, I scored a moral victory last week.
Leading up to this major performance we determined that it was time to set some academic goals: If you want to become a team, you will have to play by state high school league standards. Our standards for ourselves include no failing grades. No Fs. Well, you've got three. You can't dance with the rest of the group at the pepfest on Friday. I'm sorry.
Cut to final rehearsal in cafeteria. "We don't dance unless he dances with us. He's our captain."
That's your choice. But I've put as much of myself into this as you. If you want to throw it away...
And, separately: Do not run out on stage. If you do, you will lose every opportunity for the rest of the year and the beginning of the next.
We left it unresolved on Thursday--Who would dance? Who would protest?
When Friday morning arrived, they crouched waiting to go on stage. I took him aside:
I know it's hard for you. Nobody wants to be the example. I just wanted to let you know that I think you're making the mature choice here. Thank you for coming to support your group.
They killed it, of course. They didn't need him out there. They just needed to know that he would be in the audience, cheering them on. He was. I was.
Boundaries. Limits. Parenting.
Gray hair.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Giggle Fit
This will make you uncomfortable.
"Ok, Mom. This is a jump-drive. Now take it downstairs. It plugs into the USB port. It works just like a floppy dick--"
"I don't even know where to find the USB thing. Is that at the back of the computer?"
"..."
"Why are you smiling?"
"Oh, man. I meant to say floppy disk. I said floppy dick, but I meant floppy disk. But you didn't even notice."
"I was distracted. I didn't know what to do with the USB jump drive."
"Ok, Mom. This is a jump-drive. Now take it downstairs. It plugs into the USB port. It works just like a floppy dick--"
"I don't even know where to find the USB thing. Is that at the back of the computer?"
"..."
"Why are you smiling?"
"Oh, man. I meant to say floppy disk. I said floppy dick, but I meant floppy disk. But you didn't even notice."
"I was distracted. I didn't know what to do with the USB jump drive."
Friday, February 01, 2008
Like The Soothing Sounds of Seagulls
Keeler was asleep in the back seat and had been for about 3 hours. It took him approximately 15 minutes after we left to fall into a deep, softly snoring sleep.
I could barely see through the windshield. Huffman had an idea: You don't have to stop to pick up wiper fluid. If it gets bad, we can use this bottle of water.
Ok. That makes sense.
We probably should have woken up Keeler to let him know that we'd be opening the window. But when you're going 90 mph in the fast lane, those kind of details (politeness, common decency, physics) escape you. He didn't stir much at first. Huffman hung her arm out the window; flicked once, twice, three times a lady, and that 20 ounces of liquid came right back at her face in a 90 mph bullet made of water.
It was the most beautifully executed act of science I have ever witnessed. God bless us, Everyone.
I could barely see through the windshield. Huffman had an idea: You don't have to stop to pick up wiper fluid. If it gets bad, we can use this bottle of water.
Ok. That makes sense.
We probably should have woken up Keeler to let him know that we'd be opening the window. But when you're going 90 mph in the fast lane, those kind of details (politeness, common decency, physics) escape you. He didn't stir much at first. Huffman hung her arm out the window; flicked once, twice, three times a lady, and that 20 ounces of liquid came right back at her face in a 90 mph bullet made of water.
It was the most beautifully executed act of science I have ever witnessed. God bless us, Everyone.
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