In response to my previous post, Mom came home last night wanting some clarification about a joke she'd heard:
"Q: How do you get an elephant to cross a highway?
A: There's no f'ing way."
(pause.)
"Mom, the only joke I know like that is something along the lines of
Q: How do you spell way with an f?
A: There's no f in way."
"Yes! Yes! That's it!"
Immediately following she realized that I would post what had just transpired and hung her head in embarrassment.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Worst Laffy Taffy Joke EVER
Timmy T. from Mannet, MS submitted the following:
What?! WHAT?! Timmy, you idiot. No more candy for you.
Q: What did the potato ask the cow?
A: Give me some milk and we can make mashed potatoes.
What?! WHAT?! Timmy, you idiot. No more candy for you.
Brain Laxatives for Easy Responding
I should screen my phone calls.
This woman has been trying to track me down for weeks. Maybe months. She wanted me to give her some basic information and I just wouldn't call her back. She just wanted to know how I started the hip hop group. What did I do? Not return her calls. WHY NOT?
I don't know.
Every so often, I suffer from mental blockage.
Anyway, I just got busted because she called me while I was at my desk. Like a deer caught in the headlights of an awkward conversation, I was incoherent and unhelpful. I couldn't explain why I hadn't called her back. I mentioned something about having lost her number. Which would be fine, if I had not been looking at it on three different post-its. And then as she was thanking me I said, "Ok, bye." She wasn't even done talking.
Gurgle, gurgle...brain matter shifting...gurgle.
This woman has been trying to track me down for weeks. Maybe months. She wanted me to give her some basic information and I just wouldn't call her back. She just wanted to know how I started the hip hop group. What did I do? Not return her calls. WHY NOT?
I don't know.
Every so often, I suffer from mental blockage.
Anyway, I just got busted because she called me while I was at my desk. Like a deer caught in the headlights of an awkward conversation, I was incoherent and unhelpful. I couldn't explain why I hadn't called her back. I mentioned something about having lost her number. Which would be fine, if I had not been looking at it on three different post-its. And then as she was thanking me I said, "Ok, bye." She wasn't even done talking.
Gurgle, gurgle...brain matter shifting...gurgle.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Bouche Brutality
Ohhhhh, dammit.
I am once again caught in the snare of the evil lip heroin: chapstick.
It was only one afternoon of sun and wind, but my mouth is now a peel of flakes and blood. In my attempts to remove the mess I experimented with
1. Blistex Medex (I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway.)
2. Rubbing/scraping
3. Masking tape. I had it in my hand and thought it would be like waxing.
4. Good-smelling lip gloss
5. Blistex Medex, AGAIN. Now I've got the lip tingle which makes you think it's working, but you KNOW that shit just makes it worse.
I'm gonna need a lot of support when I try to kick this. I've been off and on it for years. I was doing better than usual...I just want to say to my sponsor, I'm sorry I let you down. I know you trusted me when I said I didn't have any chapstick. But you didn't ask me if I had Blistex Medex.
I am once again caught in the snare of the evil lip heroin: chapstick.
It was only one afternoon of sun and wind, but my mouth is now a peel of flakes and blood. In my attempts to remove the mess I experimented with
1. Blistex Medex (I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway.)
2. Rubbing/scraping
3. Masking tape. I had it in my hand and thought it would be like waxing.
4. Good-smelling lip gloss
5. Blistex Medex, AGAIN. Now I've got the lip tingle which makes you think it's working, but you KNOW that shit just makes it worse.
I'm gonna need a lot of support when I try to kick this. I've been off and on it for years. I was doing better than usual...I just want to say to my sponsor, I'm sorry I let you down. I know you trusted me when I said I didn't have any chapstick. But you didn't ask me if I had Blistex Medex.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Escort
A conversation as it sounded:
He: I will walk downstairs too. Somebody could have stall you. One day I have in my walllet 120 dollars and I think it is safe. I look in my locker it is gone. Somebody stall it. You never know. A bad guy could come and take you say, "I am taking you, Kelly*, for my wife." And I will say, "No you cannot take her she helps me with my homework. She is inbal imbal"...How you say im price...
Me: Invaluable
He: "She is imbaluable." And you will say "Oh, my hero."
*My name is not Kelly. I just can't correct him.
He: I will walk downstairs too. Somebody could have stall you. One day I have in my walllet 120 dollars and I think it is safe. I look in my locker it is gone. Somebody stall it. You never know. A bad guy could come and take you say, "I am taking you, Kelly*, for my wife." And I will say, "No you cannot take her she helps me with my homework. She is inbal imbal"...How you say im price...
Me: Invaluable
He: "She is imbaluable." And you will say "Oh, my hero."
*My name is not Kelly. I just can't correct him.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Chocolate chip cookies.
Shouldn't it maybe be "chocolate-chipped," complete with hyphen?
Or maybe "knee-weakening divinity from the depths of the industrial kitchen."
I skipped lunch today. That's an exaggeration. I skipped the formal lunching period today because I planned badly with a field-trip schedule.
I forgot my Nalgene in the car. (Noooooooo!!!! (much fist shaking) Whyyyyyy?)
I had half a lemon bar. From a student. Probably poisonous.
I just ate a package of goldfish that was intended for students who participate in our tutoring program.
I am a fallen angel. A hungry fallen angel.
Somebody warn the enchiladas that I'm on my way home.
Or maybe "knee-weakening divinity from the depths of the industrial kitchen."
I skipped lunch today. That's an exaggeration. I skipped the formal lunching period today because I planned badly with a field-trip schedule.
I forgot my Nalgene in the car. (Noooooooo!!!! (much fist shaking) Whyyyyyy?)
I had half a lemon bar. From a student. Probably poisonous.
I just ate a package of goldfish that was intended for students who participate in our tutoring program.
I am a fallen angel. A hungry fallen angel.
Somebody warn the enchiladas that I'm on my way home.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Fog? That sounds like a bad word, Sandy.
I love non-native English speakers. Dammit, I love them and I don't care who knows it. And now I will proceed to pimp them for your enjoyment.
1. I had to hold in my laughter when one of the students was talking about latitic acid last week.
(Note: when I told my mom this story, she could not remember the actual term. It's lactic. Latitic is thus funny because the word "tit" is funny. Now that I've explained it, it seems to have lost the humor. Come on. Tit? Tit is funny.)
2. Another student was explaining the concept of a field (as in sprawling hilly landscape with grassy knolls):
"Jou know. It's like a farm and a house then miles and kilometers and dirt and popcorn."
(confused looks at the foreigner....)
"Sorry. Corn."
1. I had to hold in my laughter when one of the students was talking about latitic acid last week.
(Note: when I told my mom this story, she could not remember the actual term. It's lactic. Latitic is thus funny because the word "tit" is funny. Now that I've explained it, it seems to have lost the humor. Come on. Tit? Tit is funny.)
2. Another student was explaining the concept of a field (as in sprawling hilly landscape with grassy knolls):
"Jou know. It's like a farm and a house then miles and kilometers and dirt and popcorn."
(confused looks at the foreigner....)
"Sorry. Corn."
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Habemus Bloggem
The white smoke has wafted. And it has wafted, "RATZINGER." Apparently he's chosen the name Benedict XVI. I mean, it's cool, but it's been done. I was hoping for something more original like John Paul IV or Sylvester IV even Julius III.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Speech, Abridged
Long form: Should they turn in their Valley Fair permission slips to you?
Abbrev: The VF perms come to you?
Number of words saved: 5
Long form: Jelly revolution? What's Schmuckers gotten itself into this time?
Abbrev: A jelution? A revolelly.
Number of words saved: 5
Long form: That kicks so much ass!
Abbrev: Kick A!
Number of words saved: 3
Average number of words saved per abbrev: 4.333
Abbrev: The VF perms come to you?
Number of words saved: 5
Long form: Jelly revolution? What's Schmuckers gotten itself into this time?
Abbrev: A jelution? A revolelly.
Number of words saved: 5
Long form: That kicks so much ass!
Abbrev: Kick A!
Number of words saved: 3
Average number of words saved per abbrev: 4.333
Friday, April 15, 2005
Forgiveness
Matt and I got in a fight last night on the way home from softball. Truthfully, it was his fault. (Ah! The power of a personal blog!). He related a joke he had heard at a meeting. I found it offensive and demeaning and I expressed my frustration.
We didn't speak for the rest of the night.
I went home and watched VH1 and was subdued with mind-numbing programming.
He called today:
"I just wrote a new song"
"Really?"
"Yeah. (pause) I'm sorry. I love all people including you and lesbians and I promise not to make fun of them or the cars they drive. And I promise not to put them or anyone into a category ever again."
We didn't speak for the rest of the night.
I went home and watched VH1 and was subdued with mind-numbing programming.
He called today:
"I just wrote a new song"
"Really?"
"Yeah. (pause) I'm sorry. I love all people including you and lesbians and I promise not to make fun of them or the cars they drive. And I promise not to put them or anyone into a category ever again."
TGI..NAM
WARNING: When you're in a room alone and it's silent and you're waiting to hear if there are mice about to descend from the ceiling to have a little Tax Day party on your floor, the noise of a printer may cause loss of bladder control.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Never Gonna Give You Up
I do have good opinions. -Dan Signorelli
My favorite postings are the ones about the Ashlee Simpson show. Yessss.
And when you visit his dot com, be sure to turn up the volume while he pumps up the jam.
My favorite postings are the ones about the Ashlee Simpson show. Yessss.
And when you visit his dot com, be sure to turn up the volume while he pumps up the jam.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Jessica and the Mating Ritual
I've been waiting to post this all day!
I saw Matt getting hit on by a girl with lots of red hair.
He performs every Tuesday night in a newly smoke-free bar downtown. I have heard my share of "Free Bird" requests but this was the first time I'd seen a female approach him with anything but a beer.
Not that he doesn't deserve it--you should hear him sing Long Black Veil--it's just an odd thing to be front row when your boyfriend becomes prey.
Jessica stalked the microphone mid-song to offer some descants which were out of tune and the wrong words but totally raspy.
I may have laughed a little while she was singing or fixing her plumage (THREE TIMES), but I don't think that's why she packed up her bag and left alone.
Nope, I'm definitely not attributing it to myself. Or the rest of the table.
I saw Matt getting hit on by a girl with lots of red hair.
He performs every Tuesday night in a newly smoke-free bar downtown. I have heard my share of "Free Bird" requests but this was the first time I'd seen a female approach him with anything but a beer.
Not that he doesn't deserve it--you should hear him sing Long Black Veil--it's just an odd thing to be front row when your boyfriend becomes prey.
Jessica stalked the microphone mid-song to offer some descants which were out of tune and the wrong words but totally raspy.
I may have laughed a little while she was singing or fixing her plumage (THREE TIMES), but I don't think that's why she packed up her bag and left alone.
Nope, I'm definitely not attributing it to myself. Or the rest of the table.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Why we love Monica
1. She's real funny. For example: "Antlers, antennae...What am I, a scientist?" and "You guys are taking words out of my mouth and putting them places they should not be."
2. She dates hockey players. Gay ones.
3. She hates fat people, but only because they're a drain on society.
4. She smokes (only during Winter months and even then, not that often).
5. She wants to be a life coach. And give tough-love advice like her hero, Dr. Phil.
6. If she doesn't sleep at least eight hours every night, she starts judging people.
7. She'll choose Miller Lite even if someone else is paying.
8. She loves competition (and she'll f you up on the golf course, Jay).
9. She hates Brad Pitt for cheating on Jennifer Aniston.
10. She reminds us not to believe everything we read. But it's ok to believe everything Oprah says.
11. If Dr. Phil disagrees with Oprah, whatever Dr. Phil says is right.
2. She dates hockey players. Gay ones.
3. She hates fat people, but only because they're a drain on society.
4. She smokes (only during Winter months and even then, not that often).
5. She wants to be a life coach. And give tough-love advice like her hero, Dr. Phil.
6. If she doesn't sleep at least eight hours every night, she starts judging people.
7. She'll choose Miller Lite even if someone else is paying.
8. She loves competition (and she'll f you up on the golf course, Jay).
9. She hates Brad Pitt for cheating on Jennifer Aniston.
10. She reminds us not to believe everything we read. But it's ok to believe everything Oprah says.
11. If Dr. Phil disagrees with Oprah, whatever Dr. Phil says is right.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Dorsal Art
While Mom and I were on another moonlit walk last night (celebrating the season of warm), we discussed some papal business. Thanks again to this week of Spring Break-ing, I am glued to the television for all broadcasts of the Vatican City gatherings (simulcast upstairs and downstairs right now). My favorite part is pretending to translate the Italian. Mom's favorite part is hearing the quotes from the faithful, especially the elderly Polish man who said, "I love Pope."
Then we discussed economy of language. Why bother with extra words? (Why extra words?)
And then she said, "I can understand the allure of tats." Luckily, I peed before we left the house.
So we designed a portrait of PJPII to ink on her back.
Then we discussed economy of language. Why bother with extra words? (Why extra words?)
And then she said, "I can understand the allure of tats." Luckily, I peed before we left the house.
So we designed a portrait of PJPII to ink on her back.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Natural State: Gasless
I'm enjoying some time away from work on a brief hiatus we call Spring Break.
You may recall that my dial-up connection at home is equivalent to those who first piloted the internet, which means it will take me longer to publish this than to write it.
The following are experiences from my stint at home thus far:
1. You haven't really appreciated museum artworks until you've seen them next to a gaggle of school children: "Geeeh ewww! Why doesn't she have any clothes on?!"
2. Mom and I went to McDonald's last night at 9 because we hadn't eaten yet and it was our alternative to a "heavy" meal. We each got a cheeseburger and shared a milkshake.
3. My daily indigestion may result from chocolate intake. (Please, God, noooooooo!) I am exploring possible other causes as well.
4. I've watched approximately 10 hours of MTV's Inferno II.
5. It is possible that consumption of MTV's Inferno II is causing my indigestion.
You may recall that my dial-up connection at home is equivalent to those who first piloted the internet, which means it will take me longer to publish this than to write it.
The following are experiences from my stint at home thus far:
1. You haven't really appreciated museum artworks until you've seen them next to a gaggle of school children: "Geeeh ewww! Why doesn't she have any clothes on?!"
2. Mom and I went to McDonald's last night at 9 because we hadn't eaten yet and it was our alternative to a "heavy" meal. We each got a cheeseburger and shared a milkshake.
3. My daily indigestion may result from chocolate intake. (Please, God, noooooooo!) I am exploring possible other causes as well.
4. I've watched approximately 10 hours of MTV's Inferno II.
5. It is possible that consumption of MTV's Inferno II is causing my indigestion.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Just for fun
Because there's a $#&*($^#@ mouse in this room and I'm not getting work done anyway:
http://sites.gizoogle.com/?url=http://www.deletedeletedelete.blogspot.com
http://sites.gizoogle.com/?url=http://www.deletedeletedelete.blogspot.com
No Foolin
It is me and this f'ing rodent showdown right now. A mouse FELL OUT OF THE CEILING and landed by my feet. I AM NOT KIDDING.
It scurried across the room and has been relocating about every 15 minutes. THERE IS A LIVE ANIMAL IN THIS ROOM THAT IS NOT A PET OR INVITED. OH MY GOD. I AM SO DISGUSTED.
It scurried across the room and has been relocating about every 15 minutes. THERE IS A LIVE ANIMAL IN THIS ROOM THAT IS NOT A PET OR INVITED. OH MY GOD. I AM SO DISGUSTED.
Fruit on the bottom; hope on top
Nothing but love for our dearly departed St. Paul son, Mitch Hedberg.
Matt and I saw him at the Acme Comedy Club last year...maybe the year before that. We were delirious with enjoyment.
Please, (please with frozen bananas on top) listen to his stuff. You can get audio clips here and here and scroll down. And check out his website with road games and picswithmitch here.
Matt and I saw him at the Acme Comedy Club last year...maybe the year before that. We were delirious with enjoyment.
Please, (please with frozen bananas on top) listen to his stuff. You can get audio clips here and here and scroll down. And check out his website with road games and picswithmitch here.
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