I Will Regale You with Quotes from Children

And then the whole family found out about my blog.
And it was weird.

And then my cousins did cute, strange things that people excuse only in children. Here are my top 5:
1. Jared, age 7, walked outside while Gramma watched from the door. "Oh, he's looking at the crib."* Seconds later, an enormous slushball hit the glass door.
2. Hope, age 6.5, arms inside her shirt, ran around the house saying irritatedly, "You don't even know if I have arms!"
3. Henry, age 5,** watched "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (aka, Johnny Depp in "Why Is My Skin So Very Pale: Never Become A Recluse") for thirty seconds before the questions started. "What's gonna happen?...How come the house is cracked?... Does he want to have dirty teeth?"
4. Same Henry, age 5, saw his very first afro: "That guy's hair is so big! And circle-y!"
5. Same Jared, age 7, got a magic set from Santa. He hasn't mastered the tricks yet, but he's got the lingo down...
Jared: This is my dad's wallet. I lost mine. For my first trick, I made my wallet disappear.
[magic show, wherein there is much leaving the room and abracadabra-ing]
Me: When will you learn the rest of the tricks?
Jared: I had a booklet. For my second trick, I made that disappear.

*Full-on Nativity scene outside the house complete with a lit plastic angel Gabriel. All spectators of the scene (wise men, lambs, etc.) have been bound together in case of wind.
**Kids are very protective of their ages. I realize it's very non-parent of me to say that I can't tell the difference. I was told that a giraffe's heart is about 26 pounds. I compared this to an infant. And then a four year old. Because I can't reaaaally picture what that might look like.

Joseph Conrad's Heart of Ohio, now with more heads on stakes!

I don't want to alarm you, but I might be without internet access for the next couple of days. I'm going to a very far away place called Ohio. Having spent some time in this place before I can tell you that the natives are hospitable and the conditions are far from harsh. The language barrier continues to be a bane; I have been training with the Speak Ohioan Tape Series and believe I am nearly prepared to make the journey.
I will take no weapons, unless they be words and then, with these, friends, I shall illuminate for you the darkest depths of winter in the sub-urban foreign land.
(Commas! My gift to myself!)
Have a Merry Christmas.
Schmaltzy music and moral victories to you all. And Baby Jesus, too. Baby Jesus for everybody!

You Made Me Love You

Amanda Peet,
I shake my head because I don't know why.
Lord knows you never appealed to me before, and that I'd never watch it again, but you were mightily charming in "A Lot Like Love" or "Something Like Love" or "Something Like A Lot of Love" or whatever.
This may be the eggnog talking, but I like you.
[Slurring]
And as for you, Ash. Ton.
You aren't fooling me. I know you don't speak sign language. You were totally concentrating too hard.
And another thing, [threatening with my beverage] damn that script for the fact that it wasn't your wedding. How stupid do you think we are?! I'm not stupidehhhh. I have seen "Sixteen Candles." I'VE SEEN IT. And you're all, "Wait, it was my sister's wedding! CRAZY. And we can be in love FOREVER." You're no Molly Ringwald.
[Spin around in victory]
Amanda? Wait, Amanda where are you going? Come back.

Mount(ing) Ennui

I have reached my zenith of winter boredom.
I spent the morning in a rotation of the following
1. turning the space heater on and off
2. putting on and removing my fleece
3. applying and ridding myself of wool socks
Poring over Craigslist at work, I laugh inside my head, and want to engage my co-workers in dialogue about the ridiculous kid who will pay someone $150 to write his poly-sci term paper or the girl who wants a dog for FREE because she's promised it as a Christmas gift.
And then I realize that they are doing actual work.
And I am composing blog entries in my head.

Mother, May I? Because I Already Did. And You Have To Love Me Anyway.

Earflaps
Originally uploaded by Sriracha.

"No, you can't take that picture. You're going to blog it!"
"Mom, it's just for practice. Let me practice."

Quinine: Results of Yet Another Fruitful Google Search

"Did you know that quinine used to be used to treat malaria?"
"Absolutely."
"Did you know that gin and tonic was used to prevent attacks of malaria?"
"No, but it sounds like an excellent use of an alcoholic beverage."
"I know! From now on that will be my excuse for drinking gin and tonics."
"You drink gin and tonic?"
"Only to prevent attacks of malaria."

If Christopher Walken Were an Elf...

This is a portrait of some little pointed-cap imps (whose faces haunted my dreams as a child). Taken with my Christmas present [cue singing angels].

Relatedly, I visited this nerd who told me that my elf name is Merenwen Calmcacil. That's right. There's an elf version of Sriracha Hotsauce. This guy is freaking amazing.

How To Feel Like a Local Celebrity by Rin

A Posting from Our Friend Rin about pretentious dining in the Metro. If you have any questions, please direct them to the comments section. I'll make sure she gets them. So will Bob:

Show Up Late, Wearing Jeans and Only One Shiny Accessory to Any of the Following:
Bar Lurcat (try the French fries and a red wine)
20.21 (lettuce cups and lychee martini)
Caterpillar Lounge (cranberry wontons and citrus infusions)
Palomino (bruschetta and classic mojito)

Show Up Early, Wearing Vintage Anything:
Bryant Lake Bowl (nachos and a foreign beer)
Joe’s Garage (cream cheese eggrolls and anything involving gin)

Show Up Early, Wearing Black:
Café Barbette (champagne and mussels)

Dear Dan (or why I call it deletedeletedelete),

I'm so glad you asked.
Because I said so.
And also, as Anonymous asserted, (a a a a a a a).... because in college I joined an improv troupe full of funny people including a gent named Bràd (he liked it with the special a) who used a voice for particularly nerdy characters, all of whom liked to self-edit by saying "DAHLETE DAHLETE DAHLETE."* Loud and irritating, but mostly it made me laugh until I peed a little.
And since I'm sort of stealing Bràd's joke, it also makes me wonder why I don't call it enoughaboutyou.blogspot.com. But if I did that, you might not know where to find me.
And then you'd be snotting all over cyberspace, sobbing into your sleeves.

*run-on sentence!**
**fragment!

Advanced Printing Techniques (now with stage directions!)

Her: Poop. It ate the paper. Offline? What does that mean, offline? Paper jam?!
Me: Why does it say paper jam when there IS no paper jam? [giggle]
Her: Eerrhhhghhhhhaaaaahhhhhhgg. I didn't ask for this! I DID...N'T...ASK. FOR. THIS. [shakes her entire body at the machine]
Me: ...
A Different Her: [it prints the wrong pages] Whatever. Whatever. I'll cancel the job. No, Job. You're cancelled. CANCEL. [exits to the sound of her own hysteria]
[silence]
Her: Times New Roman is the ugliest font EVER! Why is it default?! Errrghhaaaarrrreeeehhhh.

"Really Modest but still stylish"

Thinking of changing your wardrobe? How about your website?
What is the goal of these very modest people? "Raising up modest ladies."
Are they Mennonite? "No, we are not Mennonite nor raised Mennonite. However our second married daughter and her husband attend the Mennonite church he was raised in."

They Have Classes For That, Right?

This might be a sign of too much aggression.
When my office mate says, "Eff Why Eye..." I want to bludgeon him with a telephone receiver.
It could be seasonal.
I blame the elves.

The Liberal Women's College Experience

[Hang up phone. Laugh.]
"You guys! Get this: my sister just finished her final in Biology of Women. She got a lollipop in the shape of a vagina."
[Silence.]

Jesus is the Reason for the Season(ed Cider).

Draft 1 of my Christmas card to the Pasternaks:

Dear Manfred and Krista,
I hope this season finds you and the rabbits in good German health. Betty and I still smile when we think of our stay with you this summer. I especially loved the stalled conversations and the awkward smiles across the table when we said something you didn't understand...we'd all look into our tea and choke down some more pimento loaf and birdseed bread. My favorite, though, was the yogurt. Seriously, Wolfratshausen has GREAT yogurt. And the best sleep of my life. I slept like the dead. Like your bunnies. Get it?
Anyway, I've been keeping busy with a blog and working and watching my sister BeDazzle her cell phone. The life of a young American adult who lives at home! Enviable! My goals for the new year include more work and more blogging and maybe even BeDazzling my own phone. Who can say where the wind will take me? Perhaps I will even stop by to visit you again someday. Save some stinky cheese for me!
Love and hugs,
Sri

Slow Down, December

Don't go rushing off. Take your coat off. Put up your feet. Shoes off, please. I don't want the year to end.

1. I just discovered how much I really like writing the number 5.
2. I'm going to really start liking to write the number 6 and then that year is going to end, too.
3. Everyone makes resolutions. Now I will have to invent one to tell people.
4. New Year's Eve is the most colossally disappointing holiday EVER and it happens every year.
5. Fresca might make another earth-shattering change to their packaging and I don't think I can take it.

[Voicemail]

I hear a beep. I panic.

Hi, Susan. This is [my name, and very professional job title]. I was just wondering if I could bring a group of students from [unnamed local area high school] for a service learning opportunity. I know that your organization works with [a targeted underprivileged population] and I'd love to set something up before our school is out for the [unspecified holidays]. If you could please give me a call, my phone number is [(---) --- ----] Thanks, Beth.

I hang up. And then I wonder, "Beth? Beth? Who's Beth?"

That Is What I Meant

Me: "Oh, this is one of those giant movies."
Matt: "Epics."

Mama West

Mom: "I ain't sayin she's a golddigger...uh" (manipulating collapsible giraffe to the beat)
Dad: "..."
Mom: "I did it better the first time."
Dad: "Well, at least you practiced."
Mom: "My thumb hurts."

Come A Little Bit Closer

Walleye Vision
Originally uploaded by Sriracha.

Woowooo! Hottie on the loose. With old lady '80s glasses. I will learn how to use Photoshop... I will learn how to use Photoshop... I will learn how to use Photoshop...
I will post pictures of my glasses on strangers.
Any volunteers?

Hoo Kneads Literacy

Awesome Crap Giveaway* left me with four books on tape:
1. The Masque of the Red Death (Poe)
2. The Cask of Amontillado (Poe)
3. 1984 (Orwell)
4. Cyrano de Bergerac (That French Guy), last borrowed by Lisa B. on 5/21/84
And one pair of red-rimmed plastic glasses a la Sally Jessy Raphael. Watch out, world. I'm about to start doling out fashion advice--no, wait, that's my evil face lift twin, Joan Rivers.

*The librarians wheeled in three smelly old boxes. Among the treasures: pimply white vases, old water bottles, dust bunnies.