Breaker, Breaker, We've got a Code 10-31

They gave me a walkie-talkie at work.  It takes all my strength to avoid pressing the button when I pee.  

Speaking of excessive accessibility, my schedule is wide open tomorrow if anybody wants to start a pre-Thanksgiving tradition of feeding ducks or spray painting cornucopias on neighborhood groceries or whatever.

Fun!

Unusually Jovial, Uncomfortably Positive.

My face hurts from all the smiling going on around here.  This school is in the most self-congratulatory mood I have ever seen.  Thanks to all those parents who came out for conferences.  We appreciate your kind words and your presence.  And if, in the future, your child does poorly on the standardized tests we talked about, we'll blame the government.  Yay!  Everybody wins when you vilify a system outside your own!

On my desk, two items:

1. A ceramic steak burrito made by a student.  

2. A bowl of dead batteries in a potpourri of brands.  If you're interested in using them for some type of experimental art, please contact me before I throw them into the proper receptacle five years from now.

Makes Shopping a Bit More Complicated

It is Saturday and I forgot I have a blog since I haven't seen it in a while. New firewalls at work. V. Alarming.
In other (equally upsetting) news, I think I'm allergic to caffeine. I gave it up after much headaching weirdness two weeks ago, and today needed a little boost before my read-aloud to a class of misfits (enter Diet Pepsi). Now I'm feeling like maybe somebody punched me in the heart when I wasn't looking. Thumpthumpthumpthump (breath) thump tha thump thump, etc, etc.
(Probably in no way connected to the 25 donut holes I ate, so I won't even mention them.)
(But if I were to mention them, I would give an slightly unrealistic number so you would know I was joking.)
(But it would be closer to the real total than I'd ever admit in person.)
Johnny told me this week that I should start working on a stand-up routine. It's not like the three jobs I'm working take up that much time, so I'm looking into it. Joke ideas so far:

• Whoever invented paperclips obviously didn't intend for them to be used as barrettes. But I think things with similar names should be put near each other in the supermarket. Paperclips are by hairclips, which are by noseclippers and giant clipper boats. All in the same aisle.
• Something about planetariums.

Julie Should Have Used a Ballot Cover

As Nicki and I left our polling place yesterday, we stopped outside a first grade class hearing their own votes read aloud:

Teacher: "....Obama"
The class: "Yay!"
Teacher: "Obama"
The class: "Yay!"
Teacher: "Obama"
The class: "Yay!"
Teacher: "Ok, students, let's tally up our votes. How many for McCain?"
The class: "One!"
Little boy: "That's Julie!"
Teacher: "How many for Obama?"
The class: "Five, Ten, Fifteen, Twenty...."

GObama! DON'TGOFrankenOrColeman!

Gargle.
Gasp.
Choking on my bubbly water.
I need to get to NYC stat. Chris just voted next to Serena van der Woodsen.
Vote, Jerks. I know you don't need the reminder, but I would be sad if you forgot that today was THE day, and you just went about your business, dusting the corner table, murmuring to yourself like that guy in Calhoun Square.
Also, Halloween.
Just to come full Gossip Girl Circle, here: if I thought more people would know who I was, I would have gone as Blair Waldorf, running for president. My platform: headbands for everyone!