Don't Put the Pizza in Point First

"It's not really Fat Tuesday until you've thrown up."

On Your Mark

When I played viola (in the days of yore-when "played" meant "awkwardly held"), we started off with racing stripes as finger guides. True, I've never been very close to a trombone, but I have some very pressing questions. How do people learn to play these? What does the music mean? Spit valves are gross! (That's not a question, but seriously.)
"Ok, little Billy. Extend your arm just a little, now a lot, now the most. You can play other notes, but we don't use markings, so use your imagination. Get to an A flat."

More Years, More Better

Now that I'm an adult, I get to pee whenever I want.

Self-Diagnosing, Self-Medicating

At 2:30 AM in a fit of cough rage, I stumbled around the house looking for something to soothe my sandpapery throat. I landed at the Valentine Altar (are we violating some code by leaving it up this long? There's no Epiphany to remind us that the season is moving back into Ordinary Time. Besides, it really does move right into Birthday Time-another post, altogether). I took a strawberry lollipop back to bed with me, which was Solution Part 1 of 5. Parts 2 through 6:
-Water
-More coughing
-Chloraseptic spray (expiration date 1/2002)
-NyQuil
-Drug-induced sleep

Not A Spoiler

Dear Matt,
I would really like to talk about a certain Grey's Anatomy which you have yet to watch. And I'd certainly hate to spoil the bit about G. O'Malley or George O'M. So if you could just hurry up watch it, then I wouldn't have to tell you about the... WHAT HAPPENS NEXT FOR GEORGE O'M or G. O'MALLEY!
Thanks,
Me

Sljivovica! To Life!

"We lived on a hill so steep we put diapers on the chickens."
Our favorite Buhl residents celebrated 60 years of marriage. Making their grand total of meeting + dating + marriage = 60 years and 2 weeks.
Matt and I spent this weekend sipping Serbian moonshine that burns like battery acid (before meth was meth it was moonshine) and watching old married couples trade stories about their years in the service.
"You never knew who your neighbor would be; you couldn't choose them. But you shared everything."
And they made their own fun at the expense of loved ones. Because... who wouldn't?
The husband who, of his wife, said "there's acres and acres of her, and she's all mine" or the one whose wife had legbraces "from the polio, you know. And when she announced that she had to use the bathroom, he would run and turn on the water. They were a peach of a couple."
Lift your glass and toast with me a congratulations to the bride and groom! May God bless your chickens, your neighbors, your acres, and your legs!

You Don't Say

If there were an American Idol for public speaking, I would apply to be a judge. At the very least, I would watch it and throw jujubees everytime Ryan Seacrest says he's "out."
---------------------------------------------------------
Our Minority Education Partnership released the State of Students of Color report, a book full of data from a local and national level. Take this achievement gap! I can see you and now I will attack you!
Unfortunately, speaking about diversification makes people uncomfortable. Several presenters seemed under tremendous pressure to choose their words carefully. And we were all there for the same purpose: preaching to the equitable-education-loving choir. Still, it led to comments like one pre-service teacher who said, "I took one course on poverty and oppression which really opened my eyes to...for lack of a better word: oppression." For a moment I knew where he was going. Before he derailed, he could have mentioned something about how we as a state and a nation systemically, intentionally under-serve so many of our students and then scapegoat them for, say, our school's failure to make Adequate Yearly Progress.
[sound of my head exploding]

Digital Ephemera

Bitmap Art
Originally uploaded by Sriracha.

Every year, Poppa sets up a little table with things red and candy-based. I took a few pictures, but Carly's bmp paint version surpasses my photographs.
May I present to you, the best thing I've seen all day...

Haiku to Express Dissatisfaction with The Heat Source

This morning my toes curled up like little shrimp when they touched the bathroom tile. 58 degrees. I offer up some poetry.

Draft One
You stupid furnace
You pile of expensive poo
It is cold here now

Fine, but it's not getting to the root of the problem. The cold is caused by a bad machine.

Draft Two
Our furnace: broken.
Love, space heaters will keep us
Warm in hearts and body, too.

A little too flowery. As if I have feelings. I can see my breath. My limbs don't even have feeling.

Draft Three
Good thing, isn't it;
I don't own a bat or gun.
This furnace would die.

This bowl of violent porridge is juuuust right.

In A Heart-Shaped Mug

Valentine's Day is fast approaching, which simply means that I am once again belatedly considering gifting Matt with something. And then I remember the Christmas camera lens that was supposed to be Gift Enough for Years to Come, and I wonder if perhaps he would just take a beer instead.

Instructional Strategies, Professionalism Abound

Sara: "Maria, who's your secret crush?"
Maria: "I'm not telling you!"
Sara: "Come on."
Maria: "Fine, I'll make one up: Steven."
Sara: "Awww!"
Maria: "He's not my real secret crush."
Sara: "Well, who is your real secret crush?"
Maria: "I don't have one! [pause] Steven."
Sara: "Awwwwwwwwwwwww, really?!"
Maria: "Yes. Shut up, Sara."
[Silence. Maria sits staring at the computer for a moment.]
Maria: "Look at this! Pool farts!"
Me: "That computer is for doing work, Sara."
[Hypocritically click "Publish Post."]

All You Never Wanted

Ali got me.

Four jobs I've had:
1. Harassee at Dick Blick Arts Materials (e.g. "Is Dick there?" "Nope, it's just the name of the store." "I'm looking for Mr. Blick, "Mr. Dick Blick." "I'm sorry, sir, but there is no Mr. Blick here.")
2. Children's Theater Performer (Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your...boobies are hanging over the tower! WARDROBE!)
3. Wedding Photography Assistant
4. Babysitter for children who vomit behind chairs

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Almost Famous
2. Lost In Translation
3. Anchorman
4. Rags to Riches

Four places I've lived:
1. Spiddal, Ireland
2. Columbus, OH
3. St. Joe, MN
4. The Bubble

Four TV shows I love:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Felicity and My So-Called Life. Either will do.
3. Project Runway
4. My Name is Earl

Four places I've vacationed:
1. NYC
2. Prague, Czech Republic
3. Mazatlan, Mexico
4. Capetown, South Africa

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Potatoes; any way but baked.
2. Nachos
3. Grilled cheese
4. Thick soup

Four sites I visit daily: (Three of these make me laugh so hard I could pee.)
1. Dooce
2. Matt
3. Go Fug Yourself
4. Mimi Smartypants

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. My bed
2. Dunn Bros.
3. Target
4. ABC World News Tonight headquarters

Four bloggers I am tagging:
1. Anne
2. Dan
3. Muffin
4. A.S.S. (choose your representative)

Jerkstore: Out of You

In real life, people don't tell you that you're boring. Not to your face, anyway. In real life, you sit behind a desk and they jab passive-agressively, saying "Wouldn't it be nice if someone were interesting?"
This is almost refreshing.
Almost.
What is it about the internet that brings out the anonymous a-hole in people? The people who SHOULD JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF THEY DON'T LIKE WHAT I WRITE, ANONYMOUS. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M CHARGING ADMISSION).
I don't like to use bad words. My parents read this. But if I have to call somebody an insecure bastardface, well... I'll do it. And those words will sting.

Serving Size: 60 billion

What could have made the bowl super?
1. A half-time special on Rolling Stones hip replacement surgery.
2. Some competition. Choosing the underdog is only fun when they don't suck. I'm looking at you, Hasselbeck.
3. More Grey's Anatomy.
4. Twice as much Grey's Anatomy again.
5. Converting Detroit's stadium into a giant crock pot of beef stew.

Boom Shakalaka Lakah

What if we had to dance to our heartbeats?

Heard Around Here

"They call them initiatives; I don’t know why. Maybe because there’s no other word for them."

"That’s why they do well. They have a case manager who is all over their case. That’s what a case manager is."

"I think people should not send me any more crappy emails. Don’t send me any more crap. I only want good emails. No more crap. And I hate auto-format. And people who suck."