Probably A Leg

Some chick at work decided to capitalize on all this New Year resolve by initiating a Biggest Loser contest.  Bring it on.  Since I hunger for monetary reward and proving that I am better than my co-workers, I will be throwing myself into a total mania:

Step 1: Remove that bag of Hershey's kisses from the cupholder in my car.

Step 2: Put it in my gym bag to motivate myself.

Step 3: Get a gym bag and transfer the chocolate over from the Target bag I was using before.

30 reps of that should do.

This is the second of two very fitness-oriented posts.  Please don't misunderstand; I plan to win by cutting off a limb.

As Old as You Feel or As Old as the Gaming System Tells You You Are

Matt turned 27 yesterday.  We celebrated with a Wii Fitness Test and the announcement that we are both overweight.  Many happy returns.

When you step on the device, it says "Oh!"

As in, "Oh! Aren't you heavier than I thought you'd be!"

I set fitness goals I will likely not achieve, but my balance was good, and that was a pleasant surprise.  Must be from sitting on this ball.  (I was bouncing as I typed that last sentence, and my hip popped.  Did I mention that my Wii Fit age is 45?)

Favorite game on first iteration was also my lowest scoring: Slalom.  It is as close to the real ski hills as I get.  Unless the ski hills are made of chocolate and the activity is eating. 

New Year, Same You

Merry Christmas! We're still before Epiphany, so it totally counts.
Top 5 Holiday Things:
1. The very best holiday card: PMack took the top image from a Google search of "family Christmas card photo," photoshopped his own face on, and mailed it out with love from "Pat, Cindy, Wendy and Skip." Skip! Could not get better!
2. The quickest way to share witticisms and broadcast holiday pain: Twitter.
3. Awesomest present I asked for and got: Freaks and Geeks.
4. Least accomplished promises of 2008: Last time I looked at my resolutions was when I created them. So it would have been incredible if I had done them all, right?! Right, so I didn't! Because I'm not incredible. Then you wouldn't even believe me. In. Credible. Anyway.
5. Most accomplishable hope for 2009: clean my vehicle quarterly.

Frig.

Preparing to be fired tonight for exercising freedom of speech. We couldn't find an edited version of "Got Money" (aka "Bitch, I'm the Bomb") for the hip hop dance performance mix.  So.  
It's a lot of bitches, even for me.  AND YOU KNOW I LOVE THE BITCHES.  (Hi, Gramma.  Photos of Maria are the previous post.  Scroll down.)

I need to throw a shoe at somebody (or howsoever we're insulting people this week), so it might be kind of a perfect excuse.

[Are you grumpy like me?  Maybe some jingles sung by David Sedaris as Billie Holiday will cheer you.]

Tha Mutha@$%^ing Dawg

I've spent the last two days crying and laughing at the absurdity of it all. I am bingeing on emotion, Folks.

Last weekend, Matt and I went to our favorite yearly live-auction benefit and came out with a puppy. She spins and prances. She gets all snugglypants up on laps. She's real small. Like smaller than a loaf of bread.

Interwebs, meet Maria Chucha Rodrigo-Gutierrez III. [Specs for interested parties: Pomeranian-Chihuahua mix, age 3 mos., weight 3 lbs., disposition sunny.]
[See the rest of the images here.]

Cute and Unnecessary like Toile-Patterned Napkins

Looking to increase my per diem biscuit intake

Stopped at McDonald's today.  (I know, I know.  You're all jerks and I'm fat. (Are you calling me fat?))  When the man in the window (I know!  DRIVE THRU.  The only thing worse than eating McDonald's food is rolling up slowly to receive it) took my money, he called me gorgeous.  Now if that doesn't make your morning, what skeevy compliment will?

Speaking of vomit... Unfortunately for Katy and Tim, Katy got a very nasty case of the throw-ups.  Fortunately for Matt and me, Matt got a very awesome case of the Forfeited Wicked Tickets!!!  So we raced around town and landed in our seats at the Orpheum just in time for the curtain to rise on Oz.  I had to keep my phone off, lest I be tempted to update the status of how close to the ground my jaw had dropped.  Those voices, I tell you.  Powerhouses of goosebump making.  Which is also to say: this blog just got more twee, since its author is now a Twitterer.  

Served with Imaginary Cinnamon Sticks

Hello, Lovelies.  

To put myself in the holiday spirit, I've started making a Christmas season to do list. 

1. See: this show (checkMATE! I frigging did it last night!)
   
2. Listen: to Low's Christmas Album while drinking imaginary hot cider.
   
3. Want: T-Rex on an adventure.  It makes my eyebrows pop up with excitement.
   
4. Write: some passive holiday notes to people in meeting minutes format: "It was suggested that the recipient should have some Egg Nog over winter break." "Discussion occurred regarding Christmas. It was decided that Christmas will continue."
   
5. Gift: The ladies and dudes in your life with warmth, entertainment: this or this.

Breaker, Breaker, We've got a Code 10-31

They gave me a walkie-talkie at work.  It takes all my strength to avoid pressing the button when I pee.  

Speaking of excessive accessibility, my schedule is wide open tomorrow if anybody wants to start a pre-Thanksgiving tradition of feeding ducks or spray painting cornucopias on neighborhood groceries or whatever.

Fun!

Unusually Jovial, Uncomfortably Positive.

My face hurts from all the smiling going on around here.  This school is in the most self-congratulatory mood I have ever seen.  Thanks to all those parents who came out for conferences.  We appreciate your kind words and your presence.  And if, in the future, your child does poorly on the standardized tests we talked about, we'll blame the government.  Yay!  Everybody wins when you vilify a system outside your own!

On my desk, two items:

1. A ceramic steak burrito made by a student.  

2. A bowl of dead batteries in a potpourri of brands.  If you're interested in using them for some type of experimental art, please contact me before I throw them into the proper receptacle five years from now.

Makes Shopping a Bit More Complicated

It is Saturday and I forgot I have a blog since I haven't seen it in a while. New firewalls at work. V. Alarming.
In other (equally upsetting) news, I think I'm allergic to caffeine. I gave it up after much headaching weirdness two weeks ago, and today needed a little boost before my read-aloud to a class of misfits (enter Diet Pepsi). Now I'm feeling like maybe somebody punched me in the heart when I wasn't looking. Thumpthumpthumpthump (breath) thump tha thump thump, etc, etc.
(Probably in no way connected to the 25 donut holes I ate, so I won't even mention them.)
(But if I were to mention them, I would give an slightly unrealistic number so you would know I was joking.)
(But it would be closer to the real total than I'd ever admit in person.)
Johnny told me this week that I should start working on a stand-up routine. It's not like the three jobs I'm working take up that much time, so I'm looking into it. Joke ideas so far:

• Whoever invented paperclips obviously didn't intend for them to be used as barrettes. But I think things with similar names should be put near each other in the supermarket. Paperclips are by hairclips, which are by noseclippers and giant clipper boats. All in the same aisle.
• Something about planetariums.