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There is a complex inverse relationship of shopping to impending doom.
Click on my sophisticated visual aid, brought to you by Microsoft Paint.

Radio Silence Over

Hi. I'm an in-law.
Carly got married last weekend, to the sounds of a string triptet (?) and Matt's relentless shutter.
So while Carly and Andrew sun themselves on the shores of Puerto Vallarta, I sit here on my exercise ball, reliving the "We Are Family" dance circle.
And the toast I made with only one tear.
And the arabesque my father took when he tripped over Carly's dress.
And the beautiful, elegant bride's calm smile.

Update: not triptet; trio.

Alternative Methodology

Thanks to Houch, Nicki had an ice cream birthday cake to celebrate her 25th. Thanks to Houch, we can't keep the freezer closed.

I Might Not Make a Ribbon Bouquet, but I Will Still Throw Down

My little sister Carly's getting hitched next weekend. Holy shit, you guys.
We took her out this weekend to get totally wasted on her own body's toxins. As in, topless.
After the massages, we each got all 20 of our nails done. Joyce, my technician gave me tips for my Maid of Honor speech. Her personal favorite: give keys to men all over the room and have them return the keys to Carly during dinner.
Get it? Get it, like my sister's a slut?
Listen up, Joyce: only I get to make that joke.

Not Cut Out for Administration

Today we had to confront a student who was overheard on the bus saying that he was going to "bang" another student.
Not with a gun.
Phbbbbbt.
I need to work on my game face.
"Because you see, this is a problem for us. This is sexual harassment which is punishable by some pretty severe means."
"Wait. I didn't say I had sex with her!"
"No. That's not what that means. But you said you were going to bang her. 'Bang' is a kind of violent, aggressive word that means sexual intercourse."
"I was talking about the bus driver and [friend's] mom."
"..."
"We were joking."
"You understand why we have to take this seriously, right?"
"Everybody does it."
"Huh?"
"Everybody says stuff like that all the time."
"..."
"He talked about my mom first."
"The bus driver did?"
"Huh?"
"What?"

Stop. Yes, You. Do Not Click Send.

Below is something Matt can't blog for fear of retribution. But I'm not technically related to him, so...
If you make it through this block of text, you get a popsicle or some Junior Mints. Wait. I finished the Junior Mints. Popsicles it is.

From his aunt: [don't actually read this because your brain will gush out of your retinas]

Do you know what the times are for that brunch...how long does it go? I am wondering if we have time to go to church + the choir is singing, and I am in the choir. (We have no Sat. option.) We usually sing on the 1st & 3rd Sundays of each month except for the 3 summer months. We could leave Mora about 10:30. Please let me know. I am invited to a baby shower at our church at 3:00 on Sun. afternoon but will probably skip that. I will talk to Mark about this when he gets home. We have a City Council Appreciation Dinner to attend at 5:30 today. I didn't go with Mark last year because I have choir practice every Wed. at 6:00 but decided I would go with him this year. Tomorrow a.m. I have a 6:30 Vasaloppet Board meeting, and then it's girls' weekend up at Rita & Bob's lake home on Gull. Several of the husbands leave for golfing on Thurs. to Hilton Head. We're leaving town at 1:00 on Thurs. and coming back on Sat. afternoon. Charlie's & Cousin Iris' birthday party is at 4:00 on Sat., and then Mark & I have 500 Card Club on Sat. evening for which I need to make an hors d'oeuvre. I am one of the hostesses for a bridal shower Mon. evening at Patt's house. Yikes! Hope all goes well with you on Friday! We'll be waiting to hear from Jack. See you & take care! Verona

Give me some bullet points, at least. Before email, did people use their schedules as a way to fill up space in cards? "Thank you so much for the thoughtful gift of _________. Our flight home from Christmas was on the 29th and we waited in line at the airport for 5 hours before continuing on to arrive home at 10 pm on the 30th. We will be so busy this week with Julian's baseball game on Friday, Violet's orchestra concert on Saturday night, and our trip to buy socks at the mall on Sunday. Thanks again! Love, Judy"

I Did Not Make This Up

For reals.

1. Human bites are actually super dangerous.
2. Jill and her Drum Machine are performing their one woman/one drum machine improv show at the Brave New Workshop this Friday. Please go see her. $10 at 11 pm. You could bring $11 and show up at 10, in which case you'd be a dollar up and an hour early. You guys, she's famous.
3. This person had a dream that A.C. Slater was named "Steak." That alone is enough to make me a devotee. But! Terrible! The most recent entry is October of 2007. So she's obviously dead.
   
4. How much more terrible would #3 be if she were actually dead?! So much more terrible!
   

Brent + Maggie

They got married this weekend and yours truly did the photography. Hells yes. How professional am I? So professional.
Check this shit out:
From now on, I demand to interact only with people who drink from a Grain Belt cooler while wearing Eddie Bauer boots. Wedding sponsorship!

Next, yummy grainy deliciousness:

Photos should be for eating.
Finally, this, which obviously speaks for itself and says "Heels! In Sunlight and Shadow! 'Cause It Fricking Rules":

Hey, Imaginary Numbers! Why Don't You Step Over Here and Kiss My Ass?

A memory:
One summer I found a copy of my Iowa Math Test scores in a drawer in the basement. When I approached my mom she told me that they had hidden it so my feelings wouldn't be hurt.
A realization:
I suck at math.
A generalization based on how my life is currently going:
It is ok to suck at math.

Ever-Further from the Equator

My mood continues to go with the weather. It was a glorious sunshiney madrigal of 60 degrees for 1.5 days. Yesterday it rained. And this morning it snowed while Nicki and I rushed around the house--both our alarms having failed us. Spring Break 2008!
I slept in, dentisted, eyedoctored, turbotaxed, comedied extensively. I also got a new cell phone. Hi, I'm a cute cell phone. Rewarding!
Matt comes home today. Let's take a look at his trip and pretend it was me.