Crowning Achievements

I didn't get to see Justin Timberlake. But I did convince a kid that people aren't actually human beings until age 12. And I convinced another kid that the pump you use to blow up an air mattress is called a sphincter.

Paying Less, Eating More (Or At Least The Same. But Probably More)

The imaginary message I left for Target Execs when I imaginarily called from a SuperTarget to their comment line:
I love this place! Magical! Well lit! Archer Farms everything. I just bought Archer Farms Banana Chips! And Archer Farms Ice Cream Bars!
Voicemail #2:
I looked for a copy of Archer Farms The Collected Plays of Edward Albee Volume 1 and you didn't have it. So now I have to make a special trip to Half Price Books.
#3:
I was sort of hoping for a Unicorn sighting, but you didn't have that either.
#4:
I just climbed into the freezer section to be closer to your Archer Farms Mediterranean Pizzas. And I forgive you.

Additional Sources of Income

I recently scraped my nailpolish into the shape of the Budweiser Select crown. It could also be a bird of prey, depending on how you look at it.
Would you like to use my fingernails to promote your product?

Another Episode in which I Cry over the Perserverance of a Student

There are plenty of kids around here who would get smacked for asking.
But Martin is struggling in his classes. He comes to meet with me and we discuss the ways we can catch him up before he gets off track to graduate. At the end, sheepishly, Martin asks for a college poster to put on his wall. Something to look at while he's doing his homework. Something that will inspire him.

I Do It To Keep Myself Alert

A bottle of aspirin in your purse makes a sound a lot like being followed.

A Nightingale Sang and a Gelato-ery Closed in Calhoun Square

They gave out free samples last night. I was skeptical; a food place going out of business has nothing to lose. Why not poison what's left of your failed venture and feed it to the pennypinchers who passed you by week after week?
You know the one? I can't remember the name. They might have had more customers if it had just been called, "That Gelato Place," and if it didn't charge so damned much.
Special On-Location Assignment:
If you walk by, promise, on your way out, (to use a lot of commas, and) to notice that they replaced Borders Books with "Toast and Jammies". TOAST. AND JAMMIES. A store entirely devoted to cheaply-made sleepware. It makes me almost as angry as poinsettias.

Harnessing My Ujjayi Breath

Matt took me to the Hard Yoga Class last night. The one that would be intimidating if there were any more people, but since there were only four of us...Also, how to Yoga instructors make money? Hasn't the Yoga boom hit and gone the way of the TaeBo Boom? Billy Blanks, wither hast thou left us?
I tried to clear my mind but I kept coming back to a to-do list. And I believe that the instructor listened in on my brain's conversation with itself because she interrupted me mid-thought and erased my whole damn list three times.
Plus she was so flexible that when she said things like, "bend and think about burying your face in your shin" I couldn't hear her because her face was buried in her shin.
Yogi toe hold and leg out to the side...no sweat. You know? I'll just sit down over here and do child's pose.
For the rest of the day.
[sunset, sunrise]
Uh...I'm stuck.
Hello?

The Hairy Nose

I thought you might enjoy this story, written by my cousin, Hope (age 6)*

Once upon a time, there was a human being who had a very unusual nose. What made the nose so unusual was it was hairy. One day, Lily, the human being with the very unusual nose went outside for a walk. She walked by a tent that was very, very noisy. So she walked in. She looked everywhere to see what was going on. She looked everywhere, even under a bed. When she looked under the bed, she found what made the noise and it was a little, wise old lady with a big head. (The bigger your head is, the smarter you are, that’s how you can tell she is wise.) The wise lady asked, “What happened to your nose?” But Lily did not respond. She just said, “What happened to your head?” The wise lady said, “Don’t you know who I am? I am the wise lady who used to live in Bethlehem… So what happened to your nose?” So Lily sat down and said, “I do not like my nose.” “What’s wrong with your nose?” said the old lady. “It’s hairy!” said Lily. “Well, you must learn to like what you have because some people don’t have noses.” Then the old lady asked, “Do you like apple pie? Because I do.”

The end.

*A photo of the author

Metropolitan Character Search: Obscure Haiku for a Saturday Afternoon

Man's chrome laptop case;
Carries it and has a tic.
Public libraries!

Ringing in the New Ears

I spent my first day of the New Year trying to hack into secure wireless networks; watching The Office, Season Two (which reminds me of a dream I had two nights ago. Jim sang me love songs and I practiced writing Spanish poems for a mandatory office Slam. It has since occurred to me that I am consuming too much character narrative and not enough real people interaction. On with the show...); and explaining the importance of letting The Defrosties do their work.
To interrupt the defrost is an affront to the thousands of Defrosties who commit their short lives to tirelessly blowing hot, hot heat on your windshield. Do not rush them.