Julia f'ing Child, here.

First of all, stop looking so surprised when I make something FREAKING DELICIOUS. I'm skilled, just generally lazy. And I don't do animal preparation.
How I made garlic bread:
One stick of butter (to every 1.5 loaves of french bread)
Three tablespoons of parmesean cheese (approx.)
Garlic salt (Some; not a lot. Enough so you can smell it 1.5 feet above the bowl.)
Mix ingredients in a small dish and unintentionally melt them together. The important thing here is that you do it by accident: you combine these items and put them in the microwave to soften and end up turning them into buttery magma.
Slice the bread every 1.5 inches (I happen to like this increment), but don't cut all the way through. Put the bread on aluminum foil and spoon some of the liquid into each crevase. Wrap the bread in an aluminum foil cocoon and bake for 10 minutes at 350 degrees.
Eat.