Vision Vision

Here's how I know I'm a misanthrope.
I met my dooble and I hated her.

Kill Bill put me in a bad mood... and other true stories

Part I
I once got buried alive in my dreams and I looked a lot like Uma Thurman until it turned out I was just watching Kill Bill and all I wanted to do was think about how hot it was this weekend or how I forgot to pour some out for the homies who served our country. But now all I could think was "get me out of this plywood coffin."
Part II
"I love you, but I don't like you very much right now." I would like to tell Mr. Tarantino the same in re: his volume 2. Of course, I wouldn't expect him to listen. I would expect him to tell me to "CENSORED myself" and that he doesn't much "give a flying CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED what [I] think because [I] didn't even pay the CENSORED CENSORED cash to see it on the CENSORED screen."
And I would nod patiently, in case he flashed a weapon.

Places My Scissors May Have Gone, Seeing As They Did Not Come Back To Me

• Someone's backpack
• A' cuttin' (and he did ride, uh huh)
• The garbage
• El Salvador
  

When You Think You Know, But You Have No Idea, And It Has Nothing To Do With MTV Video Diaries

"I loved The DaVinci Code; I saw it with Maria and Sara last night."
"Oh, really? Tell me about it."
"Well it was good, but I didn't really understand it."
"Ok. I read the book, maybe I can help."
"What was the book about?"
"..."
"Same thing?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. What's it called?"
"The DaVinci Code."

Chemical Burns and Classroom Showers

Sakes alive! I've got an eye on fire!
I just poked the side of my sclera with residual Indian food on my fingers!
I canotn evern asee the akeyeboayard, aoh outcgh nmsy etaws## Thet vyrn!!!!!!

Pickle for a Nickle; Chicago for a Dollar

1. Play-doh scented perfume!!! Can I pre-order?
2. Matt asks me things in a robot voice: "Would it be hard to date me if I talked like this?" "Yes."
   
3. Our Jackass take-off/redux did not win the video competition last night. However, I would like to award Finest "On Second Thought" Performance to that Info Desk guy at Barnes and Noble who looked at us, looked away, and then looked back to say, "You can't film in here." You really got into that role, Glenn. And we appreciated it, even though we lost us the pizza party reward.
   
4. Ashley's getting married. It was the first email engagement announcement ever received, thus signaling the end of the Modern Era and the beginning of the Internets Rule Us All Era (aka, the IRUA Era).
   
5. Let's go.
   

What's Up, Ladies?

Trapped in a World of Giants
Originally uploaded by Sriracha.

This is William.
We met at Sara's bridal shower, though he's probably already forgotten me. I'll never let go, William. [tweet, tweet]
He stole her thunder with a gums-only smile.
Look out for me when I am a dentured woman. I will totally kill at parties.

Impromptu Surgery? Or, How I Ran Home After I Saw

Discovered another universal truth:
Dusk is a scary time to see a single latex glove on the path by a creek.

Stay Classy, San Diego

Here is Rin's advice for weddings, but it applies to so much more:

• No Hotel Ballrooms
• No Chicken Kiev
• NO MIRRORS AND VOTIVES AS CENTERPIECES
• No Open Mic Toasts

It's Not On Fire

People are trying to kill our roof.
At 6:54 this morning as I emerged from the shower, I thought I had entered an intensely personal war zone [sound clip*]. Rebel groups vigorously remove shingles.
And then I dressed in the dark because the very small man (or a regular-sized man with a very small shadow) outside my window could have seen in. "Do you like my dress?...No?... I should go with the capris?"
I demand good fashion sense from my insurgents.

*Like I have that technology. Just imagine the sounds of a war zone.