Tha Mutha@$%^ing Dawg

I've spent the last two days crying and laughing at the absurdity of it all. I am bingeing on emotion, Folks.

Last weekend, Matt and I went to our favorite yearly live-auction benefit and came out with a puppy. She spins and prances. She gets all snugglypants up on laps. She's real small. Like smaller than a loaf of bread.

Interwebs, meet Maria Chucha Rodrigo-Gutierrez III. [Specs for interested parties: Pomeranian-Chihuahua mix, age 3 mos., weight 3 lbs., disposition sunny.]
[See the rest of the images here.]

Cute and Unnecessary like Toile-Patterned Napkins

Looking to increase my per diem biscuit intake

Stopped at McDonald's today.  (I know, I know.  You're all jerks and I'm fat. (Are you calling me fat?))  When the man in the window (I know!  DRIVE THRU.  The only thing worse than eating McDonald's food is rolling up slowly to receive it) took my money, he called me gorgeous.  Now if that doesn't make your morning, what skeevy compliment will?

Speaking of vomit... Unfortunately for Katy and Tim, Katy got a very nasty case of the throw-ups.  Fortunately for Matt and me, Matt got a very awesome case of the Forfeited Wicked Tickets!!!  So we raced around town and landed in our seats at the Orpheum just in time for the curtain to rise on Oz.  I had to keep my phone off, lest I be tempted to update the status of how close to the ground my jaw had dropped.  Those voices, I tell you.  Powerhouses of goosebump making.  Which is also to say: this blog just got more twee, since its author is now a Twitterer.  

Served with Imaginary Cinnamon Sticks

Hello, Lovelies.  

To put myself in the holiday spirit, I've started making a Christmas season to do list. 

1. See: this show (checkMATE! I frigging did it last night!)
   
2. Listen: to Low's Christmas Album while drinking imaginary hot cider.
   
3. Want: T-Rex on an adventure.  It makes my eyebrows pop up with excitement.
   
4. Write: some passive holiday notes to people in meeting minutes format: "It was suggested that the recipient should have some Egg Nog over winter break." "Discussion occurred regarding Christmas. It was decided that Christmas will continue."
   
5. Gift: The ladies and dudes in your life with warmth, entertainment: this or this.

Breaker, Breaker, We've got a Code 10-31

They gave me a walkie-talkie at work.  It takes all my strength to avoid pressing the button when I pee.  

Speaking of excessive accessibility, my schedule is wide open tomorrow if anybody wants to start a pre-Thanksgiving tradition of feeding ducks or spray painting cornucopias on neighborhood groceries or whatever.

Fun!

Unusually Jovial, Uncomfortably Positive.

My face hurts from all the smiling going on around here.  This school is in the most self-congratulatory mood I have ever seen.  Thanks to all those parents who came out for conferences.  We appreciate your kind words and your presence.  And if, in the future, your child does poorly on the standardized tests we talked about, we'll blame the government.  Yay!  Everybody wins when you vilify a system outside your own!

On my desk, two items:

1. A ceramic steak burrito made by a student.  

2. A bowl of dead batteries in a potpourri of brands.  If you're interested in using them for some type of experimental art, please contact me before I throw them into the proper receptacle five years from now.

Makes Shopping a Bit More Complicated

It is Saturday and I forgot I have a blog since I haven't seen it in a while. New firewalls at work. V. Alarming.
In other (equally upsetting) news, I think I'm allergic to caffeine. I gave it up after much headaching weirdness two weeks ago, and today needed a little boost before my read-aloud to a class of misfits (enter Diet Pepsi). Now I'm feeling like maybe somebody punched me in the heart when I wasn't looking. Thumpthumpthumpthump (breath) thump tha thump thump, etc, etc.
(Probably in no way connected to the 25 donut holes I ate, so I won't even mention them.)
(But if I were to mention them, I would give an slightly unrealistic number so you would know I was joking.)
(But it would be closer to the real total than I'd ever admit in person.)
Johnny told me this week that I should start working on a stand-up routine. It's not like the three jobs I'm working take up that much time, so I'm looking into it. Joke ideas so far:

• Whoever invented paperclips obviously didn't intend for them to be used as barrettes. But I think things with similar names should be put near each other in the supermarket. Paperclips are by hairclips, which are by noseclippers and giant clipper boats. All in the same aisle.
• Something about planetariums.

Julie Should Have Used a Ballot Cover

As Nicki and I left our polling place yesterday, we stopped outside a first grade class hearing their own votes read aloud:

Teacher: "....Obama"
The class: "Yay!"
Teacher: "Obama"
The class: "Yay!"
Teacher: "Obama"
The class: "Yay!"
Teacher: "Ok, students, let's tally up our votes. How many for McCain?"
The class: "One!"
Little boy: "That's Julie!"
Teacher: "How many for Obama?"
The class: "Five, Ten, Fifteen, Twenty...."

GObama! DON'TGOFrankenOrColeman!

Gargle.
Gasp.
Choking on my bubbly water.
I need to get to NYC stat. Chris just voted next to Serena van der Woodsen.
Vote, Jerks. I know you don't need the reminder, but I would be sad if you forgot that today was THE day, and you just went about your business, dusting the corner table, murmuring to yourself like that guy in Calhoun Square.
Also, Halloween.
Just to come full Gossip Girl Circle, here: if I thought more people would know who I was, I would have gone as Blair Waldorf, running for president. My platform: headbands for everyone!

They Do a Play, a Musical, but It's About Themselves and They're in It.

I gave blood! I have a total needle wound!
My little friend, Anna, waited until I was captive on the blood sucking machine, to reenact the entirety of HSM3.
I felt a lot nervous and a little chilly, but I had waited too long to back out. [A history of my attempts to poison America.]
Later I took my woozy stomach and some theater geek friends to the Guthrie eve to see Arthur Miller's A View from the Bridge, starring this guy. There was also blood in this! It is the human experience, is it not?! Tension! Tragedy!
If you're free this weekend, and you want to see something impressive, you have choices:

1. HSM3
2. Anna's rendition of HSM3
3. A View from the Bridge
4. My rendition of A View from the Bridge. Note: performance can occur while you donate blood, or not.

An Excellent Expressor of Reason and Logic

My book budget has tipped the scales. But just you try to say no to a hardbound anthology edited by Jeffrey Eugenides.
I thought so.
Bookclub made an out-of-state trek last weekend to Amery, WI. Lovely everything, except for the townies who gave us the stink eye for crashing their Saturday night bar party. Well, how-dee-doo, Alpha Females. Aren't we a little threatened by five women with unwashed hair and bits of yarn and paper stuck to their sweaters?
On the job front: had a meeting with the Big Bossman today and all went well, in that I did not cry. It could have gone better, in that I basically got the "Prove your worth to this organization in ways we can measure with test scores" message. I think my message: "Get me a full time masseuse and I'll change the life of your school forever or just actually hand me the damn tests and I'll take them myself" really came across.