Oh, My, My, Oh, Hell, Yes

Stenographer's Transcript
Judge: You are charged with Gross Misuse of the Comma. How do you plead?
Me: I plead innocent. I missed that day way back in elementary school, Your Honor. Along with fractions. And multiple digit subtraction.
Judge: (pause) Hey, do you like Ashlee Simpson?
Me: ummmm...
Judge: I should warn you of the perils of perjury on the stand.
Me: ummm....
Judge: Just plead the Fifth, young lady.
Me: Yes.
Judge: Yes, you do like Ashlee Simpson?
Me: ummm....yes?
Judge: Cuff her.
Me: It was a trap!
Voiceover: Another Ashlee Simpson fan framed on trumped up charges of wrongful punctuation.


Beep!
"It's Dan. I was just seeing if you're watching the Ashlee Simpson special right now because it is a blogging gold mine."

Keep Old Noods, But Make New Shoes

Another reason to love them: the ancient noodles were not made from wheat like modern noodles, but from millet, a type of grain that, along with rice, formed the foundation of agriculture in ancient China.
And I am now accepting submissions of favorite words. Please explain your decision in no fewer than 3 reasons.
And I am also accepting submissions of cute shoe suggestions for fall footwear. I'm in a pedal quandry. A flipflopsarenolongerprudentasmytoeshavebeguntofreeze sort of dilemma. And I don't really do heels. So. Let's make it a contest of creativity for you, my five-to-ten regular readers. And if no one participates, the contest goes to me. Extra points and consideration will go to Sharpie drawings (which you can email to me*) unless they're better than mine, in which case I win also.
Open season on words and shoes starts now.


*enoughaboutyou@gmail.com

Reason and Riesens

I'd like to take some time out today to ask the big questions.

1. Non-alcoholic beer has a little bit of alcohol. Does caffeine-free Diet Coke actually contain traces of caffeine?

2. (This one goes out to Monica, who is hopelessly far away and my Monday nights are the worse for it.) Should I have a blog? (This is a silly question. I already have one. I like to ask myself though, just to be sure.)

3. A question submitted via email from Germany: Hey pizza is cool - do you has been in italy - there where the pizza comefrom ??

4. Where, where is that sound coming from? Is there a marble rolling around in my car? What if I get in an accident trying to avoid turning because of the sound it makes when the marble skips from one side of the floor to another?

5. Why do Riesens create so much extra saliva? The dark chocolate? The biting and jaw-cracking density?

Race Relations

Wait. I can't be a movie ruiner. If you haven't seen Crash, don't read this. It will spoil a piece. A small piece. Ok. If you want to....If you dare, read on.

I can say no. I say no all the time.
Like when my coworker dreams up another project and asks if I want to be involved: NO. Are you sure? YES. See? That was tricky. I said yes, but it was about my being sure about my no.
Let me give you some more responsibility that has nothing to do with your actual job. I think you'll like it.
Nope. Nope, I wouldn't. But thanks so much for thinking of me.
I feel akin to Don Cheadle's character in Crash. He's up for a promotion, but just because of his ethnicity. That is so me.*
You don't have enough to do, White Girl. I'll give you some more white work and then we'll get your sister cleared of her circus offenses.
Oh, no you don't. I know how this story ends. I saw the movie! She'd die AND take credit for the groceries I brought home to mom.

*Note: These projects would have nothing to do with my racial background. At all.

For His Girl, Friday

Mom thinks he calls her anything, everything else because he hates the name Sandy. (He doesn't.)
Herbicide, because she kills plants,
Doc, because she thinks she knows everything (PhD or MD depending on the circumstances),
Alice, because of the Honeymooners (a reference that totally escapes me).
Gert...Ace...Stein...assorted words they have made up in their years together.
Anything but Honey. They always erupt into hysterics if one accidentally 'honey's the other. They reserved it for me and Carly waaaaay back.
She calls him by his given name. Always. She calls the rest of us David, too. And it is always two distinct syllables. Day-vidd.
It's their anniversary today. Technically, right now. He brought home flowers tonight because she is taking tomorrow off and he wanted her to have them all day.
Flowers. All. Day.
Poof.

Sigh No More, Ladies!

I'm getting closer to a font. I can feel it.
No, it's ok! You! Stop crying! I've almost got it! Somebody cut the soundtrack.
I contacted Noodles & Co. today (per Muffin's suggestion) to see if they could help. I love noodles (and the company). I will tell you why.
1. Noodle is my favorite word because it can mean macaroni and fettucini AND brain.
2. I eat my feelings and they taste better as pesto-covered pasta
3. It is the second part of another amazing word: canoodle.
4. It's squabby 2 tha MAX (Elise, do you want to explain the triumvirate of squinn, squab, squo? I could use a guest writer for this one, if you're available.)
5. I can cook them myself.
6. I like to abbreviate it, "noods"
7. This correspondence from earlier today:

From: enoughaboutyou@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 7:43 AM
To: pr@noodles.com
Subject: noodly fonts
Dear Noodles,
I love your font and I'm in the market for a permanent switch. Is it available to the general public?
Thanks,

From: kelly@noodles.com
Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 10:33 AM
To: enoughaboutyou@gmail.com
Subject: RE: noodly fonts
Hi,
Which font are you referring to? We use a number of different fonts -- for signage, the logo, menus, promotional/ad campaigns... If you can get more specific, I'll look into it for you. Some of our fonts are custom, but if they are publicly available, I'll be happy to let you know what your chosen one is called.
Sincerely,
Kelly
Noodles & Company
Director, Corporate Communications

From: enoughaboutyou@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 9:48 AM
To: kelly@noodles.com
Subject: RE: noodly fonts
Kelly,
Thanks for such a quick response! You are only improving the Noodle image.
My preferred: the menu font.
Sincerely,

From: kelly@noodles.com
Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 10:33 AM
To: enoughaboutyou@gmail.com
Subject: RE: noodly fonts
Hi,
Neutra Text Demi is the font we use on our handheld menu. You can try www.fontbureau.com to purchase it if you like!
Take care,
Kelly

Identity Crisis

I realize it's time to abandon Comic Sans. I can't commit to a new font. I'm temporarily spending some time with Arial, but it feels wrong. And I tried Papyrus for a few minutes, but it's too pretty and pretentious for my work emails.
Sigh.
It's bigger than that, isn't it?
Oh, Lord. I'm having a Garden State crisis/coming of age and it's manifesting itself in font choice and shoulder strain.
And lashing out at co-workers' interns.
Please. Send help.
Care of the Circus.
I'm running away to find Carly.

Possession is Nine-Tenths of the Law

I like my space. It's mine. ME!
Truth:
It's awkward when you find somebody working at your desk. It's awkward when that somebody is an intern and you have all sorts of confidential shit laying around in your various shit piles and that person is sitting, working on your computer.
"Hey, do you need me to get up?" What do I say?
"Um, yeah."
"Ok."
"Ok."
And then I make a Chandler Bing Face of Disbelief when his back is toward me as he casually amasses his own shit and moves away from my desk.
So I tell our third office mate, trying to get a read: is it weird that I don't want an intern on my 'puter? I shouldn't get upset about that, right? Tell me I shouldn't.
She says, chill out, it's ok. It's normal for an intern to take available space.
The next day, I get an email from Third Office Mate who found Intern at her desk, on her 'puter, on her phone...
Hey, Everybody, it's time for a Meeting!

Homecoming 2K5

I should start off by letting Alida know that I know now that her name is not Adina. That was my bad. And as soon as I said it, I thought, "Shit. Why is she making that face at me? What did I say? That's not her name! What's her name?!" I forgot. And I was not drunk. I'm just an ass.
And that was just in my first hour.
Later, we toasted St. Joe, each other, and the guy who stole Mo's car. And the officer who found it the next state over: "You may want to bring an air freshener. It stinks. Have a nice night."
It was replete with drinks (oh, how we drank), dancing (oh, how we danced), and an unexplained injury (a nearly fatal splinter was removed thanks to Jay's impromtu car key surgery).
Thanks to all who made last night possible, including Mary's floor and Mary's roommates' blankets and Mary, herself, who was totally unsurprised when I asktold her that I was staying overnight.

All Points Bulletin

Carly de Soleil
Originally uploaded by Sriracha.

Carly tried on this mask last night and ran off with the Cirque. The last time I saw, she was running into the Big Top with the tumbling men.
Please.
There's no reward, but if you find her, you can stay around while she tells the story of her capture.