Newly returned from Cub Foods where I rocked an abandoned electric cart in the parking lot. My accomplices noticed a key in the ignition and I went Evil Knievel around a pole.
Breaking news: I was just interrupted by my dad who is giggling at a Pampers commercial: "Potty training is the largest challenge. Second is sleeping all night. It's a balance between intimidation and utility."
Naturally, I did not ask for an explanation. I prefer to decode his messages in sleep. And when they apply.
Which is to say, in about 10 years.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Where's My Soapbox?
Arggggh.
Listen up, children. You want to know why I leap out of reach of your pets? Why I gag at the sight of animal-human smooching? Here's the truth.
It's not that my dad hates animals because he's not good at sharing his space.
It's not about Lo, my beautiful fish whom Meg accidentally seared on the window sill when I left for Ireland. Although that was incredibly traumatic. All water under the bridge, Meg. You know I love you.
This is why I don't like animals: they eat things that are not food.
Nooooooo. Whyyyyyyy.
Not you, my precious Flip Flops.
Oh, Flip. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone with those doggies.
Flop, forgive me. If I had known, I could have protected you.
I would have. Please, believe me.
Listen up, children. You want to know why I leap out of reach of your pets? Why I gag at the sight of animal-human smooching? Here's the truth.
It's not that my dad hates animals because he's not good at sharing his space.
It's not about Lo, my beautiful fish whom Meg accidentally seared on the window sill when I left for Ireland. Although that was incredibly traumatic. All water under the bridge, Meg. You know I love you.
This is why I don't like animals: they eat things that are not food.
Nooooooo. Whyyyyyyy.
Not you, my precious Flip Flops.
Oh, Flip. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone with those doggies.
Flop, forgive me. If I had known, I could have protected you.
I would have. Please, believe me.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Evening Showers; Humid with a Chance of Cute Hair
Shoot!
My best hair is happening after midnight.
Right now.
This is it.
This is my best hair.
It's summertime, which means that no matter when you shower, you will sweat again. I don't mind sweating. I mind showering. I have a one shower per diem limit.
The few benefits of the evening shower:
1. eliminates 60% of hairdrying overheat (approximately)
2. creates cute going-out hair in the event that I might leave the house
3. blog-inspiration
4. guaranteed ponytail the next day
When I am in sleep-prep mode, my hair looks freakin awesome. I mean, really. The bang behaves; the layers flip in whatever direction they choose; I look like a rock star.
I should take up the synthesizer.
Right now I am rocking out this keyboard as if it were a groovy synth. It is not.
Or it is and the music I make is this very post.
Yesssssssssssssss.
My best hair is happening after midnight.
Right now.
This is it.
This is my best hair.
It's summertime, which means that no matter when you shower, you will sweat again. I don't mind sweating. I mind showering. I have a one shower per diem limit.
The few benefits of the evening shower:
1. eliminates 60% of hairdrying overheat (approximately)
2. creates cute going-out hair in the event that I might leave the house
3. blog-inspiration
4. guaranteed ponytail the next day
When I am in sleep-prep mode, my hair looks freakin awesome. I mean, really. The bang behaves; the layers flip in whatever direction they choose; I look like a rock star.
I should take up the synthesizer.
Right now I am rocking out this keyboard as if it were a groovy synth. It is not.
Or it is and the music I make is this very post.
Yesssssssssssssss.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Midnight Snack Musing
Fun size candy bars are only fun if you have two or more.
And that is not the serving size.
And that is not the serving size.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Senior Discount(ed)
Remember that time we were walking around Calhoun and that old guy passed us...?
Walking?
And how he was a few yards ahead for at least a quarter of a mile while we marveled and tried in vain to pump our arms with enough force to overtake him?
Yeah.
And then we saw our chance and took the off-road path for a few seconds to pass him back (the shame morphed into vengeance so quickly).
Remember how we had to cheat to beat the old guy who walked faster than us?
No, me neither.
Walking?
And how he was a few yards ahead for at least a quarter of a mile while we marveled and tried in vain to pump our arms with enough force to overtake him?
Yeah.
And then we saw our chance and took the off-road path for a few seconds to pass him back (the shame morphed into vengeance so quickly).
Remember how we had to cheat to beat the old guy who walked faster than us?
No, me neither.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Catatonic Carly
"The best part of wakin' up...is stickin to the couch."
She's singing to the tune of Folgers.
Carly has just spent the last few morning hours sleeping off her exhaustion after...sleeping.
She complained briefly about the heat, though she is wearing sweatpants and is covered by a down blanket. She threatened to turn on the air which we can't because
1. It's not actually that hot. She's got that just-woken-up-sweaty-nap thing happening.
2. Mom and I hate the air conditioning. All of the windows are closed and what since I'm so hard at work, sometimes I don't get to go outside that often. I love the smell of summer. That's enough to make me defend number 3...
3. No authority. When you live with the Poppa, you don't touch the thermostat.
Now she's talking to the tv: "My day just keeps getting better!...The Laguna Beach Preview Special and they introduced me to all new people. Then, I twisted my back. And then I burped."
Somebody employ this woman.
She's singing to the tune of Folgers.
Carly has just spent the last few morning hours sleeping off her exhaustion after...sleeping.
She complained briefly about the heat, though she is wearing sweatpants and is covered by a down blanket. She threatened to turn on the air which we can't because
1. It's not actually that hot. She's got that just-woken-up-sweaty-nap thing happening.
2. Mom and I hate the air conditioning. All of the windows are closed and what since I'm so hard at work, sometimes I don't get to go outside that often. I love the smell of summer. That's enough to make me defend number 3...
3. No authority. When you live with the Poppa, you don't touch the thermostat.
Now she's talking to the tv: "My day just keeps getting better!...The Laguna Beach Preview Special and they introduced me to all new people. Then, I twisted my back. And then I burped."
Somebody employ this woman.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Ode to the Bus
A poetic narrative in the freest free verse ever writ:
Metro Transit, what joy to me you bring.
I f'ing love riding Downtown.
Route 6, (minus the time that guy got stabbed) is where I long to linger.
In the window I pinch a finger.
(Crap. That hurt.)
I drift off into sleep when my head jerks back
Awake (Did I miss the stop? Where am I? Is that drool?)
I lean head-on-arm and slack-jawed again
Until Southdale.
And now, an interlude:
To the driver whose socks are long and smiles thin:
It'd be sweet if you were cheerful like the other guy. He always says, "Have a good one." Don't you want me to have a good one?
Oh. Well. Now I know.
To that lady wearing the stank ass perfume:
Don't do that anymore. No, I'm not kidding. You smell ridiculous. Can you smell that? It's you.
To the guy who checks out EVERY woman:
Oh, now. Please. Ew. Go sit with the stinky lady.
And now, a conclusion:
Fin.
Metro Transit, what joy to me you bring.
I f'ing love riding Downtown.
Route 6, (minus the time that guy got stabbed) is where I long to linger.
In the window I pinch a finger.
(Crap. That hurt.)
I drift off into sleep when my head jerks back
Awake (Did I miss the stop? Where am I? Is that drool?)
I lean head-on-arm and slack-jawed again
Until Southdale.
And now, an interlude:
To the driver whose socks are long and smiles thin:
It'd be sweet if you were cheerful like the other guy. He always says, "Have a good one." Don't you want me to have a good one?
Oh. Well. Now I know.
To that lady wearing the stank ass perfume:
Don't do that anymore. No, I'm not kidding. You smell ridiculous. Can you smell that? It's you.
To the guy who checks out EVERY woman:
Oh, now. Please. Ew. Go sit with the stinky lady.
And now, a conclusion:
Fin.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Fun with Nature
Yesterday, Mom and I walked to the ice cream store in the sweltering heat. You know how hot it was. (So hot).
I thought I was hallucinating when, along the way, we passed a bunch of reeds and for the first time in my life (!) I saw cattails.
Well, excuse me for saying, but they look much more like corndogs. I've attached a Sharpie rendition for your perusal.
I propose a renaming committee take this issue on immediately. Will anyone sign my petition?
I thought I was hallucinating when, along the way, we passed a bunch of reeds and for the first time in my life (!) I saw cattails.
Well, excuse me for saying, but they look much more like corndogs. I've attached a Sharpie rendition for your perusal.
I propose a renaming committee take this issue on immediately. Will anyone sign my petition?
Sunday, July 17, 2005
The Misanthrope
We drive home in silence waiting for Dad to combust. "Unbelievable. Just unbelievable."
This week, the targets are many: "There were so many people in that church who should have been punished today."
1. Music makers
2. Families with small children who feel the need to integrate their young and refuse the Crying Room
3. Music makers
4. Anyone wearing printed t-shirts (e.g. Proud Supporters of Chicks with Sticks)
These outbursts are expected. He does this every week. "I need to find a new religion." Unfortunately, most religions encourage communal worship, and it's the people he can't stand.
Usually we end up laughing at the ridiculousness, but today he says, "all I can do is cry." I promise not to tell the internet when he says, "I just wanted to take a bat and go up and down the aisles." Then, we have lunch.
This week, the targets are many: "There were so many people in that church who should have been punished today."
1. Music makers
2. Families with small children who feel the need to integrate their young and refuse the Crying Room
3. Music makers
4. Anyone wearing printed t-shirts (e.g. Proud Supporters of Chicks with Sticks)
These outbursts are expected. He does this every week. "I need to find a new religion." Unfortunately, most religions encourage communal worship, and it's the people he can't stand.
Usually we end up laughing at the ridiculousness, but today he says, "all I can do is cry." I promise not to tell the internet when he says, "I just wanted to take a bat and go up and down the aisles." Then, we have lunch.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Move Over, Harry Potter
There's a new Wizard in town and his name is Mr. Sharpie Marker and you can find him and 15 of his closest friends at Sam's Club.
Is there anything so magical?
Is there anything so magical?
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