How Can I Keep From Sporting?

I didn't take a picture. I didn't want to jinx it. But it turns out, it's not me; it's the Universe.
About a month into my new bike ownership, I just need to take a moment out and say Thank You, whoever you are, looking out for me and my personal safety. I almost enjoyed a ride this weekend, but then I didn't take one. As a result, I did not get hit by a passing motorist or scrape my face on any pavement because I could not ride MY SEATLESS BIKE.
Seriously. It was really kind of you to steal my !@$%ing bike seat. You jerkface!@%^$.
!@#&%^#$**
[Maniacal arm-waving]
*#$%$@!!
[Accidentally hitting over a bottle of water]
DAMMIT!$%^&Stupid$%&@#!

Sporadic Alienation

I Hope The Bear Sketch Lives On.
Last night, Laura and I went on a minidate to the Brave New Workshop to watch their final dress rehearsal of their new show YouCube: This Company Loves Misery. Awesome. Awesome. Lauren Anderson Awesome. Go see it.
One thing I was sort of expecting to see was a bit about office lunchtime culture. I remember during my 90 terrifying days in the corporate world that (buses are an amazing invention, the Farmer's Market makes Thursday almost as good as Friday, and) everyone self-elects into one of two categories

1. lunch buyer
2. lunch bringer

And from there,

1. solo lunch
2. group lunch

I know how bad it is to be a solo lunch bringer. Because I was and am one. My department here in non-corporate is made up of administrators and counselors. I suspect that they do not eat; their love for students sustains them. I, on the other hand, am eating all the time. But only when I've been sitting still for longer than 10 minutes.
The Part Where I Get Serious
All of this brings me to my new 12th grade student. On the first day he stopped by to say that he hadn't "found [his] place" here yet. But three days later he's still finding ways to skip out of the cafeteria experience by coming to visit. My office is his hub.
Thank you, God, that I am not in high school anymore.
As one student of color among a sea of white faces, he scans the crowd looking for people who look like him. "Who would you sit with?" he asks me. And I am momentarily dumbfounded.
"The geeks."
"Really? I saw you drinking your water out of a gallon yesterday. That's more hood than geek."
"Ah. Then I would sit with the hood."
[shakes his head]
Tough Love
I just sent him down to the lunch room without me. Without me to protect him or guide him or walk him towards friendly faces. And I'm in my cozy office safely behind a desk, feeling like the hypocrite I am.

Productivity: Low

Bossman: Got enough water there?
Me: This is my goal for today. [Thinking: Idiot. That sounds really ambitious. My goal is to drink this whole gallon.] During the summer, I never drink enough water. I let myself slip. [WHAT?! Why am I still talking? Shut up.] Yep, that's what I'm working on: more water. [I did just pet the bottle, didn't I?]

Labor Day

Now with more home improvement!

Two Parts Pine Needles, One Part Bubbles

We're back to school this week for in-service and yesterday had a presentation on technology by some fancy man.
My favorite part was this video. Who knew that wikis were so handy? Anyone want to plan a family reunion? I'll bring the coleslaw, since I can guarantee that I won't eat it before I arrive. That shit is nasty.
Actually, why bother? We could just have the whole family reunion online through webcams. I'll get tipsy and pretend I'm not (like Christmas (just kidding G-ma)). When I disappear from the screen everyone will think I've gone to change the music for more internet karaoke, but I'll be passed out on my bedroom floor. At least I'm not driving, right? Right?

A friend from high school feared that Furbies would one day rule the Earth.
She was on the right track.

Professional Observer

I've had my hair cut before, and I watch very carefully. I also believe

1. I can fly
2. I look like I know what I'm doing.
3. If it doesn't go well, at least it will grow back

Another picture of Muffin's haircut.

In Comparison, I Guess It's Not That Bad

"Ah, another night of incest at the hands of our neighbors."
"..."
"Shoot, did I say incest? I meant incense."

But It's Still Important to Be Well-Educated

Check out the portfolio on this site. And then tell all the young people in your life that they are beautiful and normal just as they are.
And then watch Bridget Jones' Diary because Colin Firth says it better.

Conspicuous Consumer

I bought a beautiful bracelet for myself and when the lady behind the counter asked would I need a gift box I said yes. Because heheh. Obviously. Yes, I almost forgot to ask for a box. WAIT, I'M TALKING TOO LOUDLY? Oh.. Ha. Sorry. I love giving gifts. Yes. Gift giving. For others. On special occasions.

Charmed, In The Bad Way

Last night, someone absconded with Matt's Vespa. Who steals? Asshats. People who were unloved as children. People who really need food a more gas-efficient vehicle.
Guess what, Suckers? You can't even use it unless you have the codes. Plus, something about a microchip in the key.
The thing is, when it's locked, the handlebars don't even face front. While the image of some jackass wheeling it around in circles is completely satisfying, it doesn't exactly make up for the feeling of increased discomfort and personal loss...and we didn't get to watch. Selfish bastards.