Oh, No She Didn't

I know I'm doing a good job relating to my students when I hear myself say things like:
"If you can rise above the drama and 'She's a trifling b,' you will finish your education, as you came here to do, and become an intelligent, strong, successful woman."

Using the Free Address Labels from Amnesty International

I always feel a little guilty, but it's so fast! And stickers! With my name!
Bill payment is such a pain. The stamps, the envelopes, the check-writing. We should be able to do that grocery-store thumbprint account authorization everywhere. For everything. "Oh, hello Barkeep, I'd like a pint of Blue Moon. And a little tip for you, too." Then I thumbprint his hand and BOOM. He's got my 5.00. "This city is getting too pricey for me, Barkeep. I think I'll be movin' on. First I'll have to buy a car with better gas mileage because movin' on is getting expensive, too."
But I guess that kind of payment would still involve a trip to the bank to touch their thumbprint machine. You know what? Nevermind. Let's eat cookies.

Lilacs, Medical Waste

What a welcome.
I am home again where every verdant thing blooms; the calming wind blows through my curtains; my insurance company mistakes me for my sister and charges me for both of our doctor visits...
Springtime and buttercups. An insurance claim without error is like a sleep without dreams: missing something interesting. All is right with the world.

An Approximate Charting of Our Time Spent in the UAE

Would You Rather?

After 24 hours of hotel room stink and sympathy pains, I made a trip to the pharmacy. This, in itself is a victory. I woke up this morning feeling like a prisoner of this country, which is silly considering they have just changed their laws on women in the workplace. How generous. I cried a little and told Matt I'm ready to go home.
Try explaining to a group of women gathered at a cash register that your "husband" has constipation. Do they have laxatives?
"Laxatives?"
Then we have the problem of trying to explain that it's not too much, it's too little.
"Maybe better to go to the pharmacy."
"Oh, thank you."
Now I have returned with the most foul, thick paste-of-a-drink and Matt refuses to consume the mixture: "It might actually be worse than the farties."
"Drink the Movi-Col."
[time passes]
"Do you want food, honey?"
"I want you to drink the Movi-Col."
[more time]
"Uhgllghggg. It's slimy. Could I just have water instead?"
"Does the water have Movi-Col in it?"
"Dammit! Couldn't you have gotten pills?"
"They didn't have any."
"Did you ask?"
"Well...? No. But I would have if I thought of it. I asked for laxatives. They gave me Movi-Col."

Channel 33

I'm not drunk. I just have incredibly persistent hiccups after a pint of beer.
It's illegal to be drunk in the UAE. Which is ok, because I'm Not. Drunk.
Actually, it's illegal to have any drink and drive a car. One guy just got arrested because he was caught in his car after one beer, sleeping. Luckily for me, our hotel room is not a car.
Ahem.
Matt and I took the Lama Desert Safari today. Not llama. But there was a lot of sand and we drove through it in Land Cruisers (tire pressure deflated to 16 psi for "more traction, smoother ride." My ass). When I wasn't clutching the plastic throwup baggie, I disrupted Matt's bloodflow with my talons. The rest of the evening was touristy bologna. Henna and belly dancing and camels.
We indulged by taking a bit of video and some pretentious photos. Perfectly legal.
So I'll just lie here watching Al Jazeera for a little while until I drift off to some patriotic dreamland.
More tomorrow.

The Future Looks Good

By way of a wrap up, and a week's delay in posting, and a country change (Surprise, we're in the United Arab Emirates! Ask me questions about this strange and foreign land! I will answer them in broken English in the order in which they were received.) I have searched my noodle for some appropriately impressive words. Finding none, let's just say that a couple of trees got in the way, and they had them moved.
And, just for fun, they had a nation's worth of fruit shipped to an island off the coast of another island off the coast of Madagascar as a set dressing.
And, Waiter, I am displeased with the frills on my toothpick. Bring me another club sandwich.

This wedding--and I've seen a few--was kick a** (Dammit, Dubai! Where are my good descriptors?!). Aside from the firework display, allow me to list famous-ish people in attendance (In A Very Particular Order):
1. A Mona Who's the Boss Look-alike. Plus 20 years, minus 20 lbs and a few clothing items.
2. Emilio Estefan. (Sans Gloria.) He did bring along his troupe of salsa dancers from Miami.
3. Thom, the interior design guy from Queer Eye.
4. DJ Tony from the Ellen DeGeneres show. See Matt's blog for a red-hot shot of your man during his big event. The bride and groom are on there as well.

We're about 10 hours ahead of you, there, so from the future let me just say that tonight is so much fun. Definitely the black top with the acid wash jeans.

Palm Fronds

Oh, hi...
Who, me?...
Sure. I'd love a cold towel...
A fingerbowl? Absolutely. Now confidentially, what is this for?...
Right. Great...
Brioche. Yes, thanks...
Ok. This place is swarming with people who call me Madame without a shred of irritation.
Matt and I are at the One and Only in Mauritius. Please believe me when I say it. It's true. I couldn't dream this place up. Google map us. I'll be waving to you from the white sand beaches. We're gearing up to photograph a five-day-marathon-wedding extravaganza.

Amelia Bedelia Collects a Sample

Sifting through your own poo on a Wednesday is better than doing the same thing on a Monday or a Friday. It could really ruin a week, you know?
I might have a parasite.
I've been sick since before we returned from Mexico and when the doctor requested a stool sample, I asked if he was kidding. He wasn't. But he did have a weird smile, so you can see how I got confused.
If, someday after a meal and a glass of fine wine, you'd like for me to explain my process, I absolutely will. But not here, not like this. ([Caressing a statue of Prince Eric] "...It's all so--so sudden." In times of trouble, my mind turns to Disney movie featurettes.)
If not, that's cool, too.

Babe, I Hate to Go

Sunset. Two-on-two Trivial Pursuit on Derek's rooftop. Dan convinces his partner, Matt, that he has the wrong answer.
Me: "What song originally had the lyrics 'midnight plane to Houston'?"
Matt: "Uh...'Midnight Train to Georgia'?"
Dan: "Well, it could also be 'Leaving on a Jet Plane.'"
Matt and Dan: [singing] "Mid-night Plane to Hous-ton, I don't know when I'll be back again..."
Matt: "Yeah, that's it. 'Leaving on a Jet Plane.'"
[silence]
Me: "Um. No."