Manic Sunday, more like. F'in crazies.

Yesterday, among other bizzarities, it was snowing Dippin Dots. On May 1. Carly nearly ran outside with a bottle of Hershey's syrup.
2. Hari Krishna
My dad's post-church rant was about the multitude of shampoo bottles and razor handles in the shower. In the midst of his rant, he starts tapping his thumb and middle fingers together chanting "Hari Krishna." We eventually all join in.
3. Guy shlumped over at Target.
As we pack our loot in the trunk I spy a child (small. 2 or 3 years old, max.) spinning the wheel of a running parked car. There is a strange figure beside him that looks suspiciously... dead. I think to myself, Self, this is one of those times when you can either be a bystander or a child-saver. I choose the child, by God. I get out of the car and go up to the driver's side window and look in to see a motionless lump. So I tap on the window and the little one sees me and hides behind the seat.
Suddenly, the motionless lump looks up at me, disturber of sleep. Holy Heck, I need a new pair of underoos. "Sorry," I say, "just checking."
4 (and final). Improv show with crazy disappearing men and the stage-licker.
Brave New Workshop last night for their $1 Sunday night show during which a young lady is presented and then attacked by birthday cake. So the cake bearer cleans the stage. WITH HER TOUNGE. Oh, and three men leave during a scene and never come back.
If I knew enough Spanish to exclaim, I would say, "What kind of crap is this for a Sunday?"

Oh, Mmer, you crazy bean.

In response to my previous post, Mom came home last night wanting some clarification about a joke she'd heard:
"Q: How do you get an elephant to cross a highway?
A: There's no f'ing way."
(pause.)
"Mom, the only joke I know like that is something along the lines of
Q: How do you spell way with an f?
A: There's no f in way."
"Yes! Yes! That's it!"
Immediately following she realized that I would post what had just transpired and hung her head in embarrassment.

Worst Laffy Taffy Joke EVER

Timmy T. from Mannet, MS submitted the following:

Q: What did the potato ask the cow?

A: Give me some milk and we can make mashed potatoes.

What?! WHAT?! Timmy, you idiot. No more candy for you.

Brain Laxatives for Easy Responding

I should screen my phone calls.
This woman has been trying to track me down for weeks. Maybe months. She wanted me to give her some basic information and I just wouldn't call her back. She just wanted to know how I started the hip hop group. What did I do? Not return her calls. WHY NOT?
I don't know.
Every so often, I suffer from mental blockage.
Anyway, I just got busted because she called me while I was at my desk. Like a deer caught in the headlights of an awkward conversation, I was incoherent and unhelpful. I couldn't explain why I hadn't called her back. I mentioned something about having lost her number. Which would be fine, if I had not been looking at it on three different post-its. And then as she was thanking me I said, "Ok, bye." She wasn't even done talking.
Gurgle, gurgle...brain matter shifting...gurgle.

Bouche Brutality

Ohhhhh, dammit.
I am once again caught in the snare of the evil lip heroin: chapstick.
It was only one afternoon of sun and wind, but my mouth is now a peel of flakes and blood. In my attempts to remove the mess I experimented with
1. Blistex Medex (I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway.)
2. Rubbing/scraping
3. Masking tape. I had it in my hand and thought it would be like waxing.
4. Good-smelling lip gloss
5. Blistex Medex, AGAIN. Now I've got the lip tingle which makes you think it's working, but you KNOW that shit just makes it worse.
I'm gonna need a lot of support when I try to kick this. I've been off and on it for years. I was doing better than usual...I just want to say to my sponsor, I'm sorry I let you down. I know you trusted me when I said I didn't have any chapstick. But you didn't ask me if I had Blistex Medex.

Escort

A conversation as it sounded:

He: I will walk downstairs too. Somebody could have stall you. One day I have in my walllet 120 dollars and I think it is safe. I look in my locker it is gone. Somebody stall it. You never know. A bad guy could come and take you say, "I am taking you, Kelly*, for my wife." And I will say, "No you cannot take her she helps me with my homework. She is inbal imbal"...How you say im price...
Me: Invaluable
He: "She is imbaluable." And you will say "Oh, my hero."

*My name is not Kelly. I just can't correct him.

Chocolate chip cookies.

Shouldn't it maybe be "chocolate-chipped," complete with hyphen?
Or maybe "knee-weakening divinity from the depths of the industrial kitchen."
I skipped lunch today. That's an exaggeration. I skipped the formal lunching period today because I planned badly with a field-trip schedule.
I forgot my Nalgene in the car. (Noooooooo!!!! (much fist shaking) Whyyyyyy?)
I had half a lemon bar. From a student. Probably poisonous.
I just ate a package of goldfish that was intended for students who participate in our tutoring program.
I am a fallen angel. A hungry fallen angel.
Somebody warn the enchiladas that I'm on my way home.

Fog? That sounds like a bad word, Sandy.

I love non-native English speakers. Dammit, I love them and I don't care who knows it. And now I will proceed to pimp them for your enjoyment.

1. I had to hold in my laughter when one of the students was talking about latitic acid last week.
(Note: when I told my mom this story, she could not remember the actual term. It's lactic. Latitic is thus funny because the word "tit" is funny. Now that I've explained it, it seems to have lost the humor. Come on. Tit? Tit is funny.)

2. Another student was explaining the concept of a field (as in sprawling hilly landscape with grassy knolls):
"Jou know. It's like a farm and a house then miles and kilometers and dirt and popcorn."
(confused looks at the foreigner....)
"Sorry. Corn."

Habemus Bloggem

The white smoke has wafted. And it has wafted, "RATZINGER." Apparently he's chosen the name Benedict XVI. I mean, it's cool, but it's been done. I was hoping for something more original like John Paul IV or Sylvester IV even Julius III.

Speech, Abridged

Long form: Should they turn in their Valley Fair permission slips to you?
Abbrev: The VF perms come to you?
Number of words saved: 5

Long form: Jelly revolution? What's Schmuckers gotten itself into this time?
Abbrev: A jelution? A revolelly.
Number of words saved: 5

Long form: That kicks so much ass!
Abbrev: Kick A!
Number of words saved: 3

Average number of words saved per abbrev: 4.333