Arggggh.
Listen up, children. You want to know why I leap out of reach of your pets? Why I gag at the sight of animal-human smooching? Here's the truth.
It's not that my dad hates animals because he's not good at sharing his space.
It's not about Lo, my beautiful fish whom Meg accidentally seared on the window sill when I left for Ireland. Although that was incredibly traumatic. All water under the bridge, Meg. You know I love you.
This is why I don't like animals: they eat things that are not food.
Nooooooo. Whyyyyyyy.
Not you, my precious Flip Flops.
Oh, Flip. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone with those doggies.
Flop, forgive me. If I had known, I could have protected you.
I would have. Please, believe me.
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