Watch American Idol. (This is step one of The Torture, even if you know one of the contestants who is doing so well you could just spit because you accidentally forgot to call in your vote for her last week.) Watch it because you yourself must be put to the test (of extreme boredom and nonsensical spewings of our Idiot Nation) before you subject others.
Tell your sister you have dog jaw. While she's insisting it's called "lock jaw," put her finger near your face. Quickly turn and bark.
Brace yourself for the spray of violence about to hit.
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